Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 12, 2012

In a stunning legal move, Tom Cruise is waiving his right to custody of daughter Suri, choosing instead to ask for full custody of Katie Holmes’s body thetans.

In a stunning legal move, Tom Cruise is waiving his right to custody of daughter Suri, choosing instead to ask for full custody of Katie Holmes’s body thetans.

“Suri’s old enough to fend for herself,” the Jack Reacher actor said, “but Katie’s thetans are in a really bad place right now.”

Scientology doctrine teaches that while each person is an immortal "lead" thetan, they can also be inhabited by thousands of "body thetans," which must be telepathically cleansed in order for spiritual progress to occur.

“Five years of marriage and I still don’t understand what the fuck he’s talking about,” Holmes said.

"Katie’s understanding is not necessary," Cruise insists. “All that I ask is that I be allowed to liberate her thetans using the Thetan Hand Technique. Everyone’s a winner."

When told of Cruise’s request, Holmes said only, "Yeah, he’s gonna need to use a lot of that Thetan Hand Technique now."