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30-year-old Jeremy Meeks, aka the “Handsome Mugger” became an Internet sensation last week when his mugshot was posted on Facebook by Stockton, California authorities. Since then, Funny Or Die has also obtained the court stenographer’s transcript between defendant Jeremy Meeks and prosecuting attorney Will Flowers:

Prosecution: Wow. Um, can you please state your full name for the court?
Meeks: Jeremy Meeks.
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Prosecution: I’m sorry, what?
Meeks: Jeremy Meeks?
Prosecution: Oh, right! Awesome. I got a little … distracted. Now, Jeremy, you’ve been arrested on felony weapon charges. How do you plead?
Meeks: Not guilty.
Prosecution: Great! No further questions.
Judge: Counselor?
Prosecution: Wait! NO! I have more questions. Sorry! He’s just … (to Meeks) You’re very handsome.
Meeks: Thank you?
Prosecution: You don’t have to say it back, it’s fine. OK, um, can you tell me where you were the night of June 18th?
Meeks: I was at a friend’s house.
Prosecution: And can you tell me where you’ll be on Friday? Around 8 p.m.?
Meeks: I … have no idea.
Prosecution: Me neither! Maybe we could grab a drink somewhere.
Meeks: I don’t think so.
Prosecution: OBJECTION!
Judge: Overruled!
Prosecution: Withdrawn! That was unprofessional. Um, OK. So on the night in question, you were at a friend’s house. What kind of friend? Cause I’m married but she’s like “cool with stuff.”
Meeks: Just a regular friend.
Prosecution: Great. That’s great.
Judge: Counselor, I don’t think I need to remind you that the defendant’s handsomeness shouldn’t play a factor in this case.
Prosecution: I didn’t think so either, but here we are. Anyways. Mr. Meeks, this is not your first time facing criminal charges, is it?
Meeks: I’ve previously been arrested on two counts of robbery.
Prosecution: Stealing hearts?
Meeks: Sporting goods.
Prosecution: What? If you needed money,you shoulda talked to me.
Meeks: OK.
Prosecution: Or if this jail stuff works out, my brother-in-law’s a casting agent.
Meeks: Can I step down now?
Judge: Yeah, I think we’re about done here.
Prosecution: Not until I present Exhibit A!
Meeks: What the —
Prosecution: It’s two tickets to James Taylor! He’s playing Meadowlands on Tuesday and I thought we could —
Judge: COUNSELOR!
Prosecution: Withdrawn! Jeeze! You’re in a mood today …
Judge: Counselor, do you have any actual evidence to present?
Prosecution: I’ll be honest; Exhibit B is just a shirt I’d like to see him in.
Judge: So no?
Prosecution: I wouldn’t mind Jeremy presenting his “Exhibit D” …
Jeremy: You’re not serious.
Prosecution: Well at least describe it and I’ll remind you you’re under oath.
Judge: Counselor, you’re excused from this case. We’re done here till tomorrow. Bail is set at $50,000.
Prosecution: I’LL PAY IT.

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