Diary of a Drunk

-She won't respect you unless you slap her around a bit.

-Did you hear that? I think that guy way over there was just talking shit about you, you'd better go confront him.

-Drinking in the parking lot before an event is a good way to save money on those $10 stadium beers.

-When in doubt: Break Things (preferably not your own things).

-Nothing electrifies a party like exposing your penis.

-Arguing over professional sports is your duty, those million dollar athletes care equally as much about you, you're pretty much obligated to represent your team.

-Buzzed driving is NOT drunk driving, nice try Highway Patrol!

-Everyone loves this song! You'd better turn it up! Louder!... LOUDER!... L-O-U-D-E-R-!!!...

-Don't you think strangers might enjoy your old sports exploits? Be sure to share those!

-The best place to sleep is somewhere low to the ground, preferably on cold tile or linoleum. You'll appreciate the cool & easy to clean surface.

-Backhand instead of punching, a backhand leaves less bruising, but the psychological pain is just as potent.

-Have a good story from high-school? Who doesn't love those? Make sure to tell everybody... and take your time so everyone really "gets it".

-A loaded weapon in the right line of sight can inflict more psychological damage than firing the weapon ever could.

-There's nothing better than being aggressive in situations that do not require it.

-It's OK to be abusive as long as the person you're abusing is smaller than you.

-When you can stand up & pee, the world is your canvas.

-Hold your glass, can, bottle etc... with your off hand, that way if you need to strike someone your dominant hand is free.

-You know what your problem is? Your friends probably don't, after a few drinks would be a good time to tell them.

-Drinking makes everyone look better, even yourself. Now that you're more attractive get out there & use that confidence.

-When you drink, for some reason you're harder to hear, try getting closer & being louder to everyone you talk to.