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Published November 07, 2008

In the wake of Tuesday's historic election, it's understandable that there are many McCain supporters who feel distraught. However, there's no need to freak out. As an intelligent Obama supporter, I can assure you that everything is going to be, okay. Yes, change is scary, but I think we all know that when we look at our country, change is needed. To alleviate your anxieties, here's a list of some things you can expect in the coming months and years.

1. The hype about Obama raising taxes is just that: hype. In fact, due to some financial dragon-slaying by new Chairman of the Fed, Warren Buffet, China will owe US $3 trillion within three years.

2. Your fears of big government are also grossly exaggerated by fear-mongers in the right-wing sub-media. Obama will only add one Federal Department to the Executive Branch. This department will actually make money for the United States in the long run. The department will be Cool-Ass Samurai Shit and  RZA from The Wu-Tang Clan will be appointed Secretary. It may seem superfluous to some, but I can assure you that Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with. And once we start selling Asian culture back to Asia, you'll see the brilliance of this move. Plus, you know how black people are with their rap music.

3. Russia will stop its sabre-rattling after President Obama baits President Vladamir Putin into gambling his entire nuclear stockpile against ours in a game of HORSE. 

4. Now, with points one through three in mind, is it such a big deal that Barrack changes the Official anthem of the President from Hail to the Chief to Curtis Mayfield's themesong from Super Fly? Of course it isn't. China's paying our taxes, who cares what the band plays before a press conference, right?

5. Okay... so you guys were right on the Muslim thing. He is. The good news is that we're no longer at war with any Middle Eastern Country.... because Israel is no longer a country. It's not really there anymore, but our troops are home, safe. More good news, you get to keep your gun. In fact, go buy as many guns as you can afford. You'll need somethig to fire into the air on holidays. However, the BEST news is that by the Grace of Allah you are also now Muslim.

6. Also, the dead are going to rise from their graves, crypts, and mausaleums. It'll be a little hairy at first, but great news! They did not rise to eat our brains. They just want jobs. Death as it turns out is excrutiatingly boring, and they just want something to do. They're willing to take any job. In fact, within a couple months of the Wednesday of the Dead, the number one group of unemployed people in this country will be illegal immigrants. So, don't start using your arsenal of guns to shoot down the limping corpse with the exposes ribcage. Don't forget that he cuts your lawn, and your neighbor's lawn.
 
7. Gay marriages for all... gay divorces for some.

8. Domestic Terrorism will be completely eradicated due to the amazing insights into the terrorist mindset by the new head of Homeland Security, William Ayers, which prove so effective that The Patriot Act will be repealed by 2010.
 
9. U.S. dependence on foreign oil will drop by 20% almost immediately. Mostly because of the Depression we're in the midst of, but after serious thought and out of serious, genuine pity the President will give 100% of the credit to future former President George W. Bush.

10. The United States will finally join every other industrialized nation when National health care happens. True, being a physician will be such a low-paying job that only the living dead will be able to afford working as one, but they're old dead fingers are surprisingly nimble, and the smell will stop bothering you after the first few visits. 

11. And lastly, for those of you who are worried about Sarah Palin, don't. The High-Priestess of Alaska is doing just fine. In fact, after the civil war she starts for Alaskan Independence she's sent to Rio de Janiero with her family to live in exile. No, don't worry about the hocky mom... she's swell.


and don't worry about the country. Your future, your children's future, and your children's children's future is secure. Relax, continue to go to work, give thanks to Allah for this beautiful day, and hold your head up high. Seriously, hold your head up high. Zombies see lowered heads as weakness.


They may not have risen specifically to eat brains, but they do eat brains.

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