Full Credits

Stats & Data

6Funny
3Die
1,179
Views
November 16, 2016
Published
Description

Facebook is here for you. Facebook is you. Kind of.

A lot has been said since the election about Facebook becoming many people’s semi-self-curated (and almost exclusive) source for news and if that means Facebook should be impartial or at least upfront with how users see the news they are confronted with on the site.

As a sign of transparency, Facebook has reached out from the eternal parallel netherworld where they operate–so close and yet so far from us and our everyday lives–to release the following statement.


Dear Users,

We at Facebook hear you. Facebook is nothing if it is not all of our users. Facebook is here for you. Facebook is you. Kind of.

But also, we’re more than just you. We are a reflection of you. Of sorts. We take your aspirational essence and give you an online forum to show that off.

But we don’t stop there, we also give you the best world for your best self to move through. The type of world that the actual world has failed to give you. We give you that, for free. All you have to do is let it wash over you, warm and dry and, most of all, you.

In short, Facebook is the Funhouse Mirror that reflects your image, distorted to cover the warts in your life, the warts in your surroundings, even the warts on your body (j/k but seriously our photo editing tools are in beta testing and they’re dope). The things that are getting in the way of living your life of least resistance. We are facebook. We are mommy and daddy and we serve candy for dinner. And you keep wanting more which means you love it.

Still not convinced Facebook is the world for you? Here’s a few examples of how this world is better than your own:

images.jpg

Political News Articles

American politics are a morass of supremely boring DATA and 200 years worth of disputed and nuanced PHILOSOPHY with just a little bit of shouting and easy to understand facts lying on the shore of that bog. We, simply, only provide the easy, dry, clean stuff for you. It feels good to get into politics, but you don’t wanna get bogged down in all the mess of RESEARCH. This is your politics, it’s what you want, it’s what you need.


5269295051_31a102e6ae.jpg

Personal, Heartfelt Stories From Fellow Users

You love your friends. They are almost as unique as you and you want to hear from them. Until what they have to say is too long. Or boring. Or not about you. Or not about someone you hate. Or not about sex. This is a good life. Learn the interesting parts about other people’s lives without all the heavy sticky fluff weighing you down.


55317487_ml.jpg

Recipe Videos

These are fun! And everyone’s gotta eat, right?! Yes they do, even those looking to step out of their flawed world and into a digital bubble of righteousness and energy.


cute-puppy-1466048618VFT.jpg

Images Of Warmth

This is the type of post that starts: “With all the crazy stuff going on in the world, at least we still have ____________!” The blank can be filled in with pizza, a good view of a lake, or the cuddles of a furry puppy. These posts keep you feeling warm and imagining yourself smiling back at a puppy or an old man twerking makes you never want to leave our world. Our world is warm. Your world is cold and mostly boring. Get up from that computer and feel cold, go ahead, we dare you.


44942555_ml.jpg

Ex-Girlfriend Profile

On Facebook, she’ll always smile back at you.

Advertisement