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December 16, 2017

A list of gifts fun enough to get anyone to leave their safe space.

So, the holidays are coming up and you still haven’t shopped for gifts yet, huh? That’s classic you. Don’t worry, there’s no need to freak out. There’s still time to get the perfect gift for the millennial in your life. No, no, no, you can’t just “buy Snapchat” for them. Wow, you need more help than I thought. But where to start?

Fortunately, I’ve compiled a list of gifts fun enough to get anyone to leave their safe space. Happy holidays!

1) Universal Health Care


Give the gift that keeps on giving, the ability to be healthy without going completely broke! Because being a human and living a good life, etc.

2) A New President


Impeachment: a perfect ending to the holiday season. If reindeers can pull Santa across the sky, then this should be possible. Don’t just get a Target gift card for the 10th year in a row.

3) Lower Rent


Millennials don’t have money because we’re spending all of it on avocados, ya know?

4) No More Nazis


Didn’t think this would have to be on Amazon wish lists in 2017, but here we are.

5) Less Student Loans


“You either die a hero or you live long enough to pay off your student loans.” - Harvey Dent

6) A Congress with Good Morals


Or, I don’t know, something slightly more realistic like a new iPhone.

7) People Believing Climate Change Is Real


Send all climate change deniers to an isolated island that doesn’t have WiFi. Also, they have access to every TV show ever made excluding the series finales.

8) Retweets


More retweets, less blaming us for killing every industry. WE’RE NOT KILLING APPLEBEE’S, APPLEBEE’S IS KILLING APPLEBEE’S.

9) A Nuclear Bunker


Bunkers are the new timeshare. Just make sure there’s enough space to play settlers of catan.

10) Just One Conversation Without Asking Us Why We’re Still Single, Grandmas


Millennials are getting married later. So what? Plus, do you know how miserable Tinder is? It’s really not great.

11) New Socks, Duh


FYI we can always use a new pair of socks.

Now get out there and buy some gifts (but also be aware of consumerism and corporations wrongly capitalizing on the holiday spirit to take your money)!!!