This week’s tweets remind you that anything you say can and will be used against in a court of law.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) September 17, 2017
Tip for all boys ever when spooning a girl DONT put ur hand on her belly just don't do it or she'll have to breathe in until she dies— K (@katherine_wh) September 17, 2017
BF: Come over. Let's do sex.— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) September 25, 2017
Me: I'm tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It's late.
Brendan Fraser: I won't make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way
Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewy sad— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) September 13, 2017
Me: sir we've received word from the captors— Francis With Wolves (@ImSoFrancis) February 9, 2017
Me: it's just one word: "busimess"
Negotiator (grimly): they mean business
With proper planning and preparation, spontaneity can be fun!— вєαtríz (@wittwitbarista) July 25, 2017
[taking a knee]— Beverlicious (@blade_funner) September 24, 2017
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[At a wedding]— Tinker Elle (@elle91) September 23, 2017
[Lifts glass] I'd like to take this opportunity to make your wedding about me.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) September 14, 2017
SHAKIRA: (on stage) I'm on tonight, you know my hips don't lie— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) September 8, 2017
ME: (from the audience) ask em what happened to JonBenét
I'm waiting to see how this North Korea thing pans out before I pay those parking tickets.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) September 23, 2017
Ugh, do you ever look at all your exes and realize you have a type? pic.twitter.com/EvbK5mZ6q6— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) September 20, 2017
90% of parenting is just trying not to yell "What the fuck are you talking about!?"— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 15, 2017
"I, too, am a Victoria's Secret Angel," I whisper to myself as I stuff angel food cake into my bra.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 8, 2017
[inventing birds] what if we let these eggs grow up— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) September 26, 2017
BIRD: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar thru the skies, glide thru the air— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 24, 2017
BIRD2: It's incredible!
B: Imma stand in the road
B2: Me too
If dolphins are so clever, how come they’ve not domesticated sea-cows and milked them to make delicious sea-cheese?— GPoss (@gogglepossum) September 25, 2017
My bologna has a first name. Knowing the true name of a thing gains you dominion over it's true essence.— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) September 14, 2017
a group of white men is called a podcast— blake waldorf (@vegansauce) September 25, 2017
What behaviour immediately makes u suspicious of someone? 4 me it's when they extend their cape w/an arm, then obscure the lower face w/it.— tygrysek (@muffinlab) September 25, 2017
Sperm: I'm looking for a new place to live. My last landlord was a real dick.— Chris Downing (@chrisdowning) September 20, 2017
I didn't believe my neighbor Ron when he vowed to "Go Taylor Swift on my ass", but his song 'Bad Zach' is now the hit of the neighborhood— Zach (@NamestartswithZ) September 21, 2017
I just want Ralph Macchio to fight for my honor and for you kids to get this reference.— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) September 26, 2017
damn boy are you cauliflower bc you're a wildly inferior substitute for the thing I really want— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) September 26, 2017
Changed my email signature from 'best regards' to 'standard regards' and my coworkers are losing their shit. One guy brought a gun— karate Horse (@Karate_Horse) September 22, 2017
instead of laughing at other people's jokes just say "laughter, laughter, laughter" and you won't have to go to family dinners anymore— MP (@maisonshouting) September 21, 2017
healthy as a horse? they literally can't walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 25, 2017