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January 29, 2011

Breaking down a few of the castmember selections for the upcoming season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

I’m not normally a big “Celebrity Apprentice” type of guy.  Donald Trump’s arrogance is so appallingly, flagrantly awful that the only thing that I despise more is his hair; which is also appallingly, flagrantly awful.  The show usually has the dregs of the B-List as cast members.  The one’s who are either too drugged-up or too sober for some special with Dr. Drew on Vh-1.

Normally The Donald and his toupee, which usually hovers over his undoubtedly balding dome like the hazy mist of pollution that clings to the skylines of major cities, is reason enough for me to watch for a few brief moments.  And who could resist a show that has Brett Michaels, fighting aneurysms and his propensity for skanky groupies, and Dennis Rodman, fighting stuff that really only Rodman himself could even put into words and his desire to booze up as soon as the sun crests the Eastern sky, working side by side?

However, all the crazy wears off pretty quick and you find yourself watching a bunch of has-beens clinging to their fame by making like General Custer and taking a last stand against the inevitable slaughter of anonymity.  This generally leads me to watch “Celebrity Apprentice” only on occasion, and with no small amount of weird feelings towards our own societal tendencies towards voyeuristic train-wreck loving.

But this year could be different.  This year could, in fact, be the best “Celebrity Apprentice” ever.

Last night, as I lay awake battling low-grade insomnia and drinking in the tonic of late-night programming, I saw The Donald make an appearance on Jimmy Fallon’s show.  As the Donald strutted onstage, his gloriousBosley-science-project-on-steroids mane flapping in the artificial breeze of his own bluster, I realized that he legitimately might be completely and utterly insane.  And a genius.  And a potential Presidential candidate.  And that Molotov Cocktail of a description isn’t even what excites me most about The Donald’s latest show.

The Donald and Jimmy Fallon discussed several things on the show,but what really grabbed my sleep-famished mind was the list of the soon-to-be apprentices for this year’s “Celebrity Apprentice.”  This cast list wasn’t merely a good squad.  They were the ’92 dream team of insanity.  And who else could play Michael Jordan on a team of has-been loonies better than one William Gary Busey.

Busey, the star of such smash hits as “Succubus: Hell Bent,” “The Gingerdead Man,” and “Dr. Doolittle 3? is best known for playing crazy people on-screen the way Ray Allen played a basketball player in “He Got Game.”  Busey has embraced this crazy persona the way most people grab at their fifteen minutes of fame; he revels in it and, perhaps, isn’t putting on any fronts about his out-and-out weirdness.

Joining the Michael Jordan of crazy on the “Celebrity Apprentice Dream Team” is Trump’s version of Charles Barkley: LaToya Jackson.  LaToya, whom I wrote one of my very first posts on, sports the last name Jackson and that pretty much tells you all you need to know about her.  Having the last name Jackson in show-biz is like having the last name Manson in the legal system.  It’s nearly impossible not to be pre-judged.

And as if that dynamic duo wasn’t enough to push this show into some stratosphere of crazy-ass T.V. they also announced last night that rapper Lil’ Jon will be bringing his own elected member of the Catch-Phrase pantheon to the show.  Best known for proliferating the term “Crunk”, which was promptly beaten to death by dumb white dudes like myself, during the early to mid-2000?s and shouting “Yeahhhhh!!!!” and “OOOKKAAAYYY!!!!” over the introductory beats of his rap songs.  And, make no mistake, they all had at least that many exclamation points when he shouted them.

Serving as the Larry Bird plot-line on this Dream Team is that, at any given moment during this season of the show, The Donald will potentially be campaigning for his impending presidential campaign.  And I cannot wait.  I may further investigate The Donald’s campaign the closer to the edge he gets in preparation to jump, but I’ll just say that it truly appeals to the Trash-T.V. part of my mind.

As Samuel L. Jackson once said in his stirling performance in “Jurassic Park”: hold onto your butts.  Or your wigs.