Reports are coming in that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales has hijacked a flight from Washington DC to San Francisco, demanding a ransom of $30m.
Apparently having lost patience with the low-key appeals for donations, Wales is threatening to "blow the plane back to pre-internet days unless people start opening their goddamn wallets".
His intentions are spelt out on every page of the online encyclopaedia, whose fundraising adverts have taken on a new urgency (see picture above).
Text messages received from passengers claim that Wales grabbed the PA from a stewardess and said: "Listen up, douchebags, this is a personal appeal from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. We tried to raise money the old Wikipedia way, where I just gently reminded you all how much it costs to run the site each month, but that didn't work.
'Well, guess what? All those high-res pictures of sardine cans and obscure towns in British Columbia cost something to run, capiche? Try clicking away from me this time, idiots."
If the ransom – which will cover the cost of running the site for three years – was not met, he threatened to plaster Wikipedia with garish pop-up ads and links to "Work from home" and "lolcat" sites.
He said he would start by placing one flashing "Free credit check" banner advert every hour on Wikipedia's home page until his demand was met.
President Barack Obama said: "All reports suggest that Jimmy Wales is holding the world's facts to ransom. Under the constituion, facts are sacred and we will deploy fighter jets to protect them if necessary."