1) This Episode Doesn’t Need To Exist

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Welcome to the Morgan News Network! All Morgan, all the time! The regularly scheduled show you like will be back next week. Any viewers allergic to high levels of Morgan and/or goat should turn off the TV now or risk certain death. This Morgan episode doesn’t need to exist. But does any episode of ANYTHING need to exist?!? Huh. Really makes you think! Nobody told me November would have so many big questions right off the bat! But given the fact that the episode does, in fact, exist did we really need “NOW” and “THEN” cards at the top?

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The answer is no. No we did not need those stupid cards. He’s clearly telling a story about something that happened in the past. The whole “now” and “then” thing kind of explains itself. Ugh. Whatever. At least they didn’t show the whole fucking thing in black and white, something we now know is in the official Walking Dead playbook of great ideas. Alright, let’s find out how he learned to spin a stick and be a pacifist, can’t wait for this thrilling yarn.

2) Are They Serious With This Filter

I understand that Morgan is crazy. Got it. Check! Roger that on the crazy. You can tell he’s crazy because he’s acting like a complete lunatic constantly. Rambling to himself and killing everyone, claaassic crazy stuff. We don’t need a ridiculous filter (note: not sure “filter” is the right word, please feel free to correct me in the comments section, you guys really love to do that) to convey his mental illness. We definitely don’t need it again.

This is not the appropriate response when someone invites you in to eat falafel.

Aaand again.

AND AGAIN.

And a bunch of other times. It looks corny! The editors know that people watch this show, right? It’s not a student film project. You can’t just throw vaseline on the lens and call it art. I should know, I tried shit like this in college while earning my useless media studies degree and never got anything above a B. They think we’re dumb, you guys. They’re right. We’re all dumb, especially me. I’ve been outsmarted by two doors today and it’s not even noon. November really got on top of me fast, I can’t figure out how to set my car’s clock back and I’ve owned it for three years.

3) Neck Of The Woods

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Very nice move, Morgan. Don’t take any chances on these two. The world is a dangerous place these days and sometimes you need to shove a tree into a stranger’s trachea. That’s just the way things are! Why couldn’t this Morgan show up to Alexandria? Throat stabbing Morgan is significantly more compelling than the “How do I reach these zombie kids?” Morgan we have present day. If more conflicts were immediately resolved with throat stabbings, it’s safe to say this would be a significantly better show.

4) Going Clear

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Morgan, bud, let me say this in the nicest way possible: You sound batshit clown shoes bonkers every time you say the word, “clear.” I don’t think that word means what you think it means, Morgan! It doesn’t mean anything! It’s just some shit you say in between strangling hikers and setting up Zombie Home Alone booby traps. Stop trying to make clear happen, it’s not going to happen.

5) Did You Hear The One About The Vegetarian?

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How do you know if someone’s a vegetarian in the zombie apocalypse? They won’t shut the fuck up about it! This is every vegetarian’s dream. Holding someone prisoner so they can tell you they’re a vegetarian. Vegetarians like to tell you they’re vegetarians the same way a girl you’re talking to at a party will immediately mention she has a boyfriend. Relax! Just trying to make polite conversation, not necessarily interested in going home with you or feeding you lamb chops. Not everything is about you! But here’s my number in case you guys break up, think we have some undeniable chemistry and I’m already terrified of losing you forever.

6) Zombie Graveyard

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This is cute. Eastman, you’re a cutie! Burying all these zombies. That’s adorable. You should head over to Fear The Walking Dead where they’re actually keeping count of the zombies they kill. It’s so so cute! Like baby koala cute. But the world isn’t cute anymore, Eastman. It’s actually a pretty fucked up place. You don’t need to waste precious time and energy burying zombies, throw the bodies wherever! Visualize the world is a giant movie theatre and these zombies are empty boxes of Milk Duds. Leave them on the floor, someone will probably come by to pick them up eventually.

7) Eastman’s T-Shirt

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Of fucking course Eastman has a save the turtles shirt. Classic. Classic Eastman. Eastman brings reusable biodegradable canvas satchels to Zombie Whole Foods. Eastman has a cup with a piece of cardboard next to his window to peacefully release any zombie spiders that break into his house looking for falafel. Eastman wipes his ass with rocks. He is one with zombie nature! Eastman, whatever you do, don’t watch The Walking Dead from two weeks ago. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but it’s basically the opposite of turtle saving. Pretty sure it would give you a fucking heart attack to see what they did to a turtle two weeks ago. Maybe just watch Shark Tank instead, Shark Tank is a good show and I haven’t seen a turtle harmed on there yet.

8) “That’s Why We’re Having Oatmeal Burgers”

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Holy shit. Eastman’s backstory is brutal. I don’t think we’ve met anyone on the show who had to deal with this kind of gruesome death pre-zombies. Really adds a beautiful weight and dimension to his character. UNTIL HE REVEALS THAT THE WHOLE TERRIBLE STORY WAS JUST A SETUP TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE CURRENTLY EATING OATMEAL BURGERS.

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“Please spare me the backstory on our kale cookie dessert.”

Ugh. First of all: GROSS. Those burgers sound gross and I don’t think they’re technically burgers. I’m not even sure you can call it a sandwich. Second: If your wife and kids had to get horrifically murdered just so you could appreciate life and eat oatmeal sandys, I’m not sure that’s a good deal. Juice maybe not worth the squeeze on that one, Eastman. Think you got jipped on that swap. Ya got jipped!

9) MORGAN, NO!!!

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Morgan! Morgan, noooooo! Why didn’t you brain stab that dude after you strangled him? Why didn’t you brain stab him when he’s a zombie approaching you and your cheese-making sensei?! You just stood there and let Eastman use his back as a human shield. Also, Eastman, I know a lot of this blame lies on Morgan, but why didn’t you use your stick to kill the zombie? Like, what the actual fuck? You seem like a smart dude, Eastman! If I had to summarize that zombie bite in one word, it would be “avoidable.” Oh, well. Instantly back to Crazy Morgan!

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Yes! I missed Crazy Morgan. Rambling about numbers and clear and screaming incoherent nonsense. The best. Time for a good ol’ fashioned stick fight!

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Can’t wait to see the deleted scene where they argue over who gets to be Obi-Wan this time.

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Think the real takeaway here is if you ever get in a fight, start screaming at the dude to kill you the second things stop going your way. It’s a great defense! You can also use it in non-violent situations. I’m walking into Bank Of America later today, putting my latest overdraft fine on a teller’s counter and screaming at them to kill me until they make it go away. $35 doesn’t seem like a fair penalty for my consistent lack of financial planning. KILL ME, BANK OF AMERICA! I DON’T WANT TO PAY YOU $35 EVERY TIME I MISMANAGE MY FUNDS. KILLLLLL MEEEEE!

10) One Bullet And A Can Of Soup

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What the hell were these two planning to do with one bullet and a can of soup? You’re hobbling around the forest on a crutch with one bullet and a can of soup. You’re so boned, it’s absurd. I can’t with these two. How did they make it this far? One bullet and a can of soup. Get the fuck out of here. These two wouldn’t survive five minutes on Happy Days. Can of soup with a bullet on top is my new favorite character, by the way. So compelling. Can’t wait to see all the “can of soup with a bullet on top"costumes at Comic-Con 2016! Hope "can of soup with a bullet on top” is signing autographs! Stoked to catch the “can of soup with a bullet on top” panel in Hall H. Will probably have to camp out overnight but it will be totally worth it.

11) Eastman Loose Ends Lightning Round

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Love that they went into loose end wrap-up lightning round as soon as Eastman got bit. Story behind the kid’s picture on the wall? Wrapped! Tabitha the goat? RIP! Did he starve that dude with the long name to death? Yep! Sure did. Took 47 days. Great. Glad there’s a nice bow on all the stuff none of us started to care about over the last 80 minutes. Time to brush your teeth with a handgun, Eastman. Don’t worry, the bullet is fair-trade and gluten-free.

12) Just Kill This Guy

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Morgan, I’m not sure this was the most opportune moment to tell a long (and lowkey boring) story to a guy who could not give less of a shit about goats and karate class. I know you got your groove back in the falafel dungeon, but I’m fairly certain this kid is a lost cause. Just kill him! He very clearly stated he intends to murder you and everyone here if he gets out. There’s a pattern emerging where you DO NOT kill someone fully and it comes back to be a problem. Learn from your mistakes! Didn’t you watch Breaking Bad? No half measures! Breaking Bad was a substantially better show, you should do Breaking Bad stuff more often, Morgan! Tune in next week! Was that Rick’s voice at the end of the episode? How did he make it back alive? Is Glenn really dead? Is Tabitha the goat really dead?!? Those goat guts could’ve been from another goat that Tabitha was hiding under! #GOATGHAZI. #WEWANTANSWERS. None of this and more on S06E05 of The Walking Dead!

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