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November 07, 2016

Everything goes wrong, but it feels so right!

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‘The Earliest Show’ is one of those news and talk programs you see on TV every morning, but I swear that this one feels it’s being broadcast from somewhere deep inside ’The Twilight Zone.’ The hosts, Josh Bath and Samantha Newman, are so out there, they make the Hoda and Kathie Lee hour of the ‘Today’ show look like ‘Meet The Press.’

I’d tell you to watch ‘The Earliest Show’ live, but I honestly have no idea when it’s actually on TV. Is it super early in the morning? Or is it in the middle of the night? Or is it all happening is some alternate, timeless dimension that can only be accessed by today’s hottest celebrity guests?

Luckily, you can watch the re-runs on Funny or Die, because the whole thing is one big, glorious hot mess. Need proof? All of this incredible stuff happened in the first episode.

1. Samantha buys clothes for her cats, then sews herself outfits to match.

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No, no. You read that right. Hey, if you want to go all matchy-matchy with your cat, that’s one thing. I mean, it’s still pretty crazy, but you should at least pick your human clothes out first and then make your cat dress like you. Don’t let your wardrobe be determined by what’s on the rack at Petco. Wait… those cat clothes look too fancy to be from Petco… How much did you spend on cat clothes, Sam?!

2. Producer Marc is feeding Josh and Sam fake “news scoops.”

Josh and Sam have to retract yesterday’s “big scoop” about a kangaroo that adopted a kitten because it turns out that the (very adorable) picture of the new mommy and baby was just something Photoshopped together by their producer, Marc. And today’s top story is about a new study that says the best way to go up stairs is sideways? Marc swears he’s not making this one up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow’s headline is about how guys named Marc are 85% “more chill” than average.

3. There is so much dancing. So, so much dancing.

I honestly don’t think Josh and Sam ever “walk” once in the entire show. They’re always boogying from point A to point B. These two have so much groove, I bet they don’t even drive to work; they commute in on the “Soul Train.” And the train travels on the “Get Down-Bound Line…” And the next stop is “Funkytown…” And the conductor is… “Miser Booty Shake…?” Sorry. That was way harder than I thought it was going to be.

4. Sam and Josh dare someone on Twitter to “be a man” and ask out their sister.

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I guess Sam and Josh are just encouraging @TalbotMoon to follow what’s in his heart. That’s usually pretty solid advice, so maybe @TalbotMoon should just work on replacing the slowly blossoming attraction to his sibling that’s in his heart with something else. How about a passion for fly fishing? That sounds like some nice, clean, non-incestuous fun, right?

5. Sam falls in love with NBA legend Reggie Miller in, like, three seconds.

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Josh is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend live on air, so he asks celebrity guest Reggie Miller to do a practice proposal on Sam and she goes absolutely gaga. I wonder when Sam knew Reggie was the one? Was it when he talked about where he buys his big suits? (Spoiler Alert: Apparently, it’s not the drape store?!?) Ooh! Or was it when everybody was slapping each other’s knees?

Careful, Sam. You might think that you and Reggie Miller are in love now, but just wait until he breaks your heart by drilling a pull-up three pointer in your face at the buzzer. Why don’t you try falling in love with Marc, Sam?! He’s crazy about you! I mean, the poor guy smells his hand after he touches you for crying out loud. Yes, it’s creepy, but at least it’s real!

6. Josh proposes to (and gets dumped by) his girlfriend on live television.

Josh has been waiting the entire show to surprise his girlfriend, Emily, and pop the big question, but it’s pretty obvious from the get-go that she wants absolutely no part of it.

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I gotta give Josh a lot of credit, though; the entire time he is working up to the proposal Emily is clearly scanning the room for an exit, but he still goes through with it anyway. That’s commitment, baby! And commitment is what true love is all about. Whoever can put up with Josh’s relentless positivity and random outbursts of song is going to be a very lucky lady.

7. Sam looks like the little girl from ‘The Ring’ whenever she cries.

Everybody has different ways of handling their emotions. And as long as she doesn’t start crawling through the screen, I say we let Sam feel her feels.