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December 03, 2016
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4. Josh has been keeping a picture of his ex...in his fridge.

On the latest episode of ‘The Earliest Show,’ the morning talk show that feels like it takes place in an upside world where day is night and night is day, it looks like host Josh Bath has finally hit rock bottom after his girlfriend dumped him in the middle of his on-air proposal. And if you think it’s hard enough to watch him spend most of the show lying prone on various set pieces then the few times he actually manages the will to move or speak might just make your heart shrivel up into a little dried turd.

Believe it or not, this is one of Josh and Sam’s more dynamic moments.

1. Josh comes out wearing the tux he bought for his wedding.

Here comes the groom!

Dang, Josh! I know you’re down in the dumps, but did you really have to go all Miss Havisham on us? Now, I’m bummed out thinking about the crazy-fun wedding that’s not going to happen anymore. Because if the groom was going to wear a purple tux, you better believe there was gonna a bunch of other funky stuff, too. Was a dog going to be your ring bearer? Oh my God, was the dog going to wear a little purple tux, too?! Josh, I don’t want to pile on here, but if your actions prevented a dog in custom formal wear from walking down the aisle of a church, you better take a good long look in the mirror my friend.

2. Producer Marc has to move Josh like a puppet to make him dance.

Is Sam doing the “Lasso” or the “Pulling Josh Out Of The Dark Well That Is His Heart?”

But Josh loves to dance! If Josh had it his way, the entire show would be dancing. Most of the segments on this show feel like they were created to keep Josh from dancing. That’s what makes Marc and Josh’s little “Weekend at Bernie’s” routine so devastating. It’s like how I knew something was really wrong with my childhood dog because all of sudden one day he didn’t want to go on the boat one day and Rusty used to love to go on the boat. I even offered to let him drive and he still turned me down. I thought we were going to have to put him down, but thankfully there’s an easy cure for “swallowing a sleeve of golf balls.” Mending a broken heart is a little more complicated.

3. Josh makes celebrity guest Thomas Middleditch hold him during their interview.

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Psst! Middleditch! Ix-nay on the edding-way ing-ray!

It’s pretty sad to see Josh reach the point where he is asking strangers to cradle him like a baby at work, but least we know that Thomas Middleditch is one of the good eggs. So many of these celebrities turn out to be heartless jerks! I once saw Tom Hanks throw an absolute fit inside a 16 Handles because the girl at the cash register asked him to him to say “show me the money!” Sure, that’s not a famous line of his and he wasn’t even in ‘Jerry McGuire,’ but that’s no reason to dump a bunch of chocolate sorbetto all over the floor.

But Thomas Middleditch is still a professional, baby. Just because he’s holding the emotional shell of a grown man in his arms, doesn’t mean he still can’t deliver a top-notch talk show appearance. We find out about his furniture building hobby. We learn that he’s a fan of renaissance fairs. He even demonstrates his familiarity with moving and manipulating lifeless bodies.

The approach…

…and the lift!

Stay by the phone, Tommy, because once this airs I got a feeling that Hollywood is gonna be calling!

4. Chef Tommy reveals that Josh keeps a picture of Emily in his fridge.

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Josh says he does it to “keep the relationship fresh" which is just barely more cute than creepy.

Why would you torture yourself like that, Josh? After a break-up, the fridge should be a place of comfort and solace: bask in its door light and have the sound of your thoughts replaced with gentle whir of the ice maker while you mindlessly swallow handfuls of sesame noodles. There are plenty of things out there in the rest of the world to remind you of your failed relationship: Kay Jewelers commercials, tandem bicycles, the 2-For-20 Deal at Applebees, etc. Let the fridge be your sanctuary.

5. Sam wants to marry a six-year-old who apparently won the lottery?

Sam, I’m sorry that everyone has been so focused on Josh’s romantic implosion, but please tell me this is a joke. You’re a successful talk show host with her very own cat fashion live stream! You’ve gotta have suitors banging down the door!

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I wouldn’t usually say this about someone who makes clothes for their cat, but Sam is the rock of TES right now.

I know the idea of a “sugar-daddy” (sugar son? sugar child?) might sound nice, but money isn’t everything, Sam. Plus, that kid has probably spent it all on Legos or bugs or whatever the heck kids are into by now.

Marc is in love with you, Sam! Yes, he might be totally incompetent as a producer, but he’s an adult! That’s a start!

Sometimes, “the one” is standing right in front of you, screaming and raising his hands…

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