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December 03, 2015

Gather your basilisk venom and Fiendfyre, we've got a Horcrux bust to bust.

A marble bust of Dick Cheney was unveiled today at the Capitol, and the subject himself was there for the dedication. All was nice and well, until it became immediately apparent that this bust of Cheney was obviously a Horcrux. Fuck. How could we be so stupid?

Of course it’s a Horcrux. For those unfamiliar with the term, a Horocrux is a powerful object in which a dark wizard has hidden a fragment of his or her soul for the purpose of attaining immortality. Made known by the Harry Potter books. Horcruxes are viewed as one of the most evil things a person can create. The act of splitting one’s soul can only happen once extreme evil has been achieved.

We’re talking about the puppet master of the Bush #2 Administration, a man who ran the Iraq war and shot his friend in the face. He has a few acts under his belt that would for sure justify him being in the Horcrux makin’ industry. And what would be the obvious object to turn into a Horcrux? Obviously a creepy marble bust that sits within the nation’s Capitol building. Duh.

If you’re ever in the Capitol, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to bring some basilisk venom along with you, and destroy the living half-soul inhabiting Cheney’s bust.