Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 30, 2011

Elephants need love too, and if Match.com tries to discriminate they're gonna be up to their eyebrows in lawsuits

Our BB squad won 1st in zoo intramurals, NBD

My Self Summary:

I’m an elephant, to start with. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to walk the streets holding hands with a girl I love, to ask a stranger for the time, thank them and tell them to have a nice day, and why I’m the only elephant on the planet that can talk…

What I’m doing with my life:

Well I’ve quickly climbed the old corporate ladder here at the zoo, not that I’m the bragging-type or anything but hey, hard work breeds success, right? LOL. I spend a lot of time reading – I mean it’s just the same 7 signs that are within eye-shot of my exhibit but still, I like to keep as literary-relative as possible here. I recently solved the case of who threw the 1998 Jeep over the wall and next door to the Walgreens parking lot – it was Marcus, he’s the only other elephant here and well, since I didn’t do it and you’ve got to be freakin huge to do something like that, it was pretty obvious.

I’m really good at:

Lifting my two front legs up. Spitting absurd amounts of water out of my trunk. Doing that kinda weird, elephant roar thing that you hear all the time. Getting balls and frisbees out of really, really tall trees. Telling the difference between Pepsi and Coke (Pepsi Challenge, LMFAO!!!), eavesdropping on juicy secrets because I’m an elephant and nobody thinks I can understand anything.

My favorite movies, shows and music:


I spend a lot of time thinking about:

If or when I’ll get out of this Zoo, why I can’t just trounce over everything and leave, how perverted Zookeepers are when they think no one else is watching, what life must’ve been like on Noah’s Ark, why everyone is so obsessed with ivory, what I’ll do to a bitch if he tries to steal my tusks.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:


Haha no, just kidding. Well I mean not really, I do have a giant one, I’m an elephant. I cry sometimes, but I try to keep it to a minimum because my tears are so big they literally kill small animals when they land.


My ideal first date:

Well I guess I’d pick you up for starters, unless you want to try picking me up, LMFAO TWICE!!! I’ve got a hookup at the circus so I can get us tickets for peanuts (literally peanuts, we can stop at Rite Aid on the way over). After a brisk walk down the street under the night’s sky I’d take you to a lovely Italian restaurant where I’d let you order anything your heart desires, and I’d order everything else on the menu. We’d then go sit by the water and I’d ask you about your family, what kind of plans you have for the future, and why the fuck you’re on a date with an elephant.


What I'm looking for:

A human. Seriously, any human will probably do it. We’re not gonna have sex anyways so you can be a girl or a guy, it doesn’t matter.


But definitely no fat chicks.

You should message me if:

You think the world is a lovely place and you’d like to share it with someone. Preferably someone tall, grey, and handsome who could and will beat the living shit out of your ex-boyfriend.


Or if you need some demolition work done on the cheap. Seriously, takes me like 3 and a half minutes to knock down a 2 story house. Shoot me a line on my work e-mail