1) Surprise! Someone Is Covered In Blood Again
I hope you were sitting down for this shocking development, but characters covered themselves in zombie blood again this week! There was almost no way to see that coming except for the fact that it happens every single episode. Am I going to stop writing about it? Maybe! I don’t know. I don’t know why I do any of this anymore. SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU’RE ALSO DEALING WITH AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS ON A MONDAY AFTERNOON.
2) Narcos Did Subtitles Better
I just finished season 2 of Narcos over the weekend (it’s really good) and my favorite part about it was I felt smart when I was done because it was like I lowkey just read a book since the whole damn thing is subtitled. This show also has a lot of subtitles, but it’s not as good as Narcos. If Narcos is Lucky Charms, this show is the store brand cereal on the bottom shelf with marshmallows that taste like cardboard and probably give you cancer. Wait, that actually sounds a lot like regular Lucky Charms.
3) LOST Did The Flashbacks Thing Better
LOST used flashbacks to make you care more about the characters. It was a strong storytelling device that created dramatic irony through contextualization. These flashbacks accomplish none of that, mostly because I will never care about any of these characters under any circumstances. Sorry! It’s a hard pass. That’s gonna be a no from me dawg. And so on. And so forth.
4) Happy Montage + Surf Lessons
Happy montage time! They’ve got fish and ice and iced down fish. What more do you need in life? I’ve got a great feeling about this hotel! It’s a very safe location and nothing bad will ever happen there.
Great time for surfing lessons, Alicia! Nailed the timing. You guys remember that water is literally filled with zombies now, right? Not sure how the lessons are going considering you fell off that thing on land, but whatevs. Also, who the fuck is this bro? Am I supposed to know who he is? Because I don’t know who he is! SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU COULDN’T IDENTIFY THIS BRO IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT IN A VERY WEIRD SITUATION WHERE YOUR LIFE SOMEHOW DEPENDED ON IDENTIFYING THIS BRO.
5) Nick Still Doesn’t Know How Shirts Work
Nick continues his rich character history of having zero idea how shirts work. Also, Nick speaks Spanish now? That must’ve been some pretty wild sex, Nick! Because it taught you Spanish. Wait, you can learn Spanish by having sex? That explains why I repeatedly almost failed that class in high school.
6) Strand Got Stabbed For No Reason
I don’t know what’s funnier: the fact that this crazy lady stabbed Strand for no reason at all or the audible gasp Strand let out when they ripped all the buttons off his shirt. You can tell he loved those buttons, he was using all of them! Strand was really in a great mood for someone who just got a letter opener to the gut. Keep the drinks coming! Sounds like me on a cross-country flight. No, seriously. I like to get loose on planes, it’s kind of my thing.
Madison, we get that you’re in charge now. Congrats! You’re the boss of a bunch of idiots, what a gig. But I don’t think you needed to ask Strand if he agrees that nobody else should be stabbed. That’s the most unnecessary question in the history of inquiries. No shit he agrees! Dude has his tummy falling out, pretty sure he’s CEO of No More Stabbing Folks Inc. Probably would’ve been a good idea to establish this stabbing policy at the top and save everyone some aggravation and clean towels.
7) Fuck This Death Cult
Fuck everything about this shady death cult. How are all the people there? They must be dumb. But we’re all watching them so who’s the real group of dummies? Spoiler alert: It’s always us. And when did they start calling the place Colonia? Colonia sounds like a bar in West Hollywood with a rooftop patio and $13 cocktails served by dudes who wear suspenders. Don’t charge me a premium for suspenders, I’m an adult and I refuse to pay ‘Penders Tax on a beverage.
8) This Kiss Was Weird
This kiss was really weird. I didn’t like it. I said, “Ewwwwwww,” out loud. Does anyone kiss like that? I hope not. If they do, it should be illegal and punishable by never being able to kiss again. ACK.
9) Alejandro’s Plan Is Very Bad
Alejandro, I know you are confident that your tin foil wall full of holes will help keep the intruders out. And I can tell you really believe in your army of child soccer players and infirmed elderly. But Nick is making some pretty good points! Mostly the one about how your plan is camel ass. I’m trying to make “camel ass” a thing, your patience and cooperation is appreciated. Hey, remember when I told you Nick and Alejandro’s relationship is A LOT like Breaking Bad last week? Well now they’ve skipped right to Season 4 of Breaking Bad! SEASON 4 OF BREAKING BAD WAS SO GOOD. We should all just watch Season 4 of Breaking Bad instead.
10) Ratty Hair White Guy With Drugs
Did someone say ratty hair white guy who brings drugs around? That’s all Madison needs to hear to know they’re talking about her son! THE. BEST. These writers are so good at their job, I hope they all make more money than me. Like A LOT more money than me! ALSO: Did they really pull up to the Cart Cartel in a van with the name of their hotel on the side?!?
Yes. Yes they did. Way to go, gang! Great job. Mission accomplished! As long as your mission was to ruin your safe location and get everyone murdered.
11) Madison Is A Bad Mom
I’m not a parent (thank god) but I know you’re not supposed to do what Madison is doing, which is one step beyond playing favorites: She basically forgot Alicia is her kid altogether. Awkward! Yeesh. Alicia makes a pretty good point that Madison is putting everyone in danger to try and rescue her son who wanted no part of their group. But to heck with that, flip the switch and attract ANY LIVING HUMAN FOR MANY MILES with your GIANT SIGN you DUMB DUMB. ACK! Hey, it’s Hero Dad! The show is doing the one trick they know how to do, which is show us a character after they completed an action and then next week we get to see how they got there! Such a great trick! Definitely not mega tired of this rad trick at this point. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will we see that Hero Dad ditched Chris and the Mexibros? Yes. Yes we will. Will Alicia FINALLY learn how to surf in zombie infested waters? Sure. Why the heck not. Will you sound off in the comments about whether or not you like the “SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS” bit? I hope so. I’m 50/50 on whether I’d like to keep it going. I’d rather get your engagement through overt pandering by reminding you I read your comments every week. Also, speaking of engagement, one of you keeps asking me to marry you. It’s weird because I looked at your profile and you’re married with a kid? So either leave your husband and child to start a new life with me (I have 4 roommates) or don’t, but stop playing with my emotions! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E13 of Fear The Walking Dead!