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January 12, 2012

Have you ever run into the guy who used to be the coolest guy in high school and he's still wearing the same sleeveless jean jacket with the patches fifteen years later? Well that guy needs some LifeLube™

Have you ever run into an old high school friend out at the mall and wondered to yourself, "Wow, that dude looks exactly the same as he did ten/fifteen/twenty years ago"? Although your not thinking "Wow he looks great for his age". It's more like "Damn that dude looks like my old high school janitor would have if he dressed like us in 1987". Yes sir, what I'm talking about is the poor unfortunate people who get 'stuck in time'. It is an unfortunate phenomenon that afflicts many of our friends sometime during high school. The exact time they are afflicted is very hard to determine since they may have been cool for a number of years in school. But research has proven that it only happens to the cool kids. Nerdy kids usually keep a few of their nerdy quips but go on to amazing places as they grow older. Some founding giant computer corporations, some becoming mega superstars who perform in tuna fish mini skirts and command legions of followers.You can see them driving by in cars who's names you can't pronounce. But for the unfortunate cool kid who has been afflicted with 'Stuck in Timeness', the cars they drive have usually been taken off the market due to safety recall issues. There is hope though. An underground product known as 'LifeLube™'. It is rumored to have been around since the late Seventies. It's use is pretty simple. When you detect that your life or image has been stuck in some sort of time pot hole, just apply a thin coat to your entire body and walla, your moving again. Sliding effortlessly through life's anus like your doctor's finger in the dreaded prostate exam. Your fringed leather jacket slides right off. The feathered or teased hair?...gone. You are now moving along with the rest of us. Some of the most popular rumored cases of it's use include John 'Vini Barbarino' Trevolta, who rose from obscurity when Quinton Terentino got his hands on a can of it, Charlie Sheen, although he may have become dependant on it and overdosed, and Mario Lopez/Justin Timberlake who can be grouped together because they seem to have it's use down to an exact science. If you have ever watched 'What Not to Wear' on tv you'll notice that every single person on that show is adamantly reluctant to take off their tube top, Rick Springfield tshirt or the still never been washed in any way leather pants, until they walk out of the legendary mirror room. What happens next is never shown on camera. The 'Stuck in Timers' are baited through a fine spray mist of 'LifeLube™' with a copy of Tiger Beat being dragged by a string. It has to be true. Have you ever been successful getting your family or friends to actually drop thier AOL account? While Clinton and Stacy have a 100% success rate for turning a Bon Jovi groupie into a Fortune 500 CEO. Think about it. So when you make that wish to be frozen in time, make sure that the genie at least wraps you in a ziplock freezer bag, because it really sucks when you pull out that New York strip steak you've been storing for the right occasion to find out it's all freezer burned and gross. And that Delorean you've been saving up for, although I want one too, may be best as a second car. More at tutsthoughts.com