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May 12, 2010

There’s a lot of heated debate going on right now over this new Immigration Bill that was recently passed in Arizona.

Everyone’s pissing and moaning because it basically gives Arizona authorities the right to ask Mexicans for documentation to prove they’re legal citizens.

Apparently, it’s the same law that the Federal Government has in the books, but as it turns out, the Federal Government isn’t nearly as big a group of asshole as the state of Arizona is.

But if the authorities in Arizona are going to start IDing Mexicans, the good thing is it’s pretty easy to distinguish between a Mexican American and an illegal Mexican -- but just to be safe, let me explain incase any dimwitted Arizona police officers are reading my blog:

For Example, this is my friend, Ruben, who is a good representation of an American Mexican:

Basically, he’s like any other typical frat guy douche bag. He’s lackadaisical, he can quote any 1980’s comedy, and his hair is heavily influenced by the male cast of Friends:

Next, I went to my local Home Depot looking for an example of illegal Mexicans:

Notice how they’re dressed in baggy work clothes, and huddled together, much like a group of ornery hookers, hungry to perform whatever dirty job is requested of them by old, fat, white men who are too lazy to set up their own barbecue grills.

And I know this because I’m also fat and lazy, and I plan to use illegal Mexicans whenever I buy a grill.

But I understand the concern in Arizona.  The idea of thousands of people from another country sneaking into our country is a scary thought. But it’s not like we’re talking about members of the Taliban crossing the boarders with WMDs in their backpacks or anything like that.

We’re talking about a proud and hard-working people. And I can say that with confidence because, in the ten years I’ve lived in Los Angeles, I’ve never once seen a homeless Mexican.

And you know why I’ve never seen a homeless Mexican? Because they’re too fucking busy working eight jobs to be homeless. And if for some strange reason, A Mexican were actually homeless, they wouldn’t have any time to sleep on the sidewalk because they’d be too busy sweeping it.

Sure, there’s always gonna be a couple of bad apples in the bunch, but like I said, 99% of them are honorable, hard-working people. And lets be honest, they’re not taking any jobs away from Americans -- at least, any jobs that any Americans are willing to do. Most Americans are too good -- especially the ones who don’t work at all -- to do any of the tasks that illegal Mexicans are willing to do to put food on their tables.

And although their wages aren’t being taxed, illegal Mexicans still contribute to the economy every time they go to Wal-Mart or buy used pick-up trucks.

All Mexicans want is a better way of life – and you can’t blame them for coming here because that’s the American dream we’ve been advertising since this country was created in 1776.

And it’s no wonder Mexicans are willing to risk their lives crossing the border to get into our country:

-The Mexican government is corrupt

-The drug cartels are terrorizing the citizens

-They’re aren’t any paved roads

-And worst of all -- as I’ve already stated in previous blogs -- the oceans and airports in Mexico smell like raw sewage -- which is a polite way of saying shit.

I don’t know how you guys feel, but if I lived under those conditions I’d want to leave my country, too. And to be quite honest, living in Arizona isn’t much better, but at least it’s in the United States.

But if the people of Arizona don’t like all the illegal Mexicans, I think I may have a better solution for the immigration situation…

If everyone in Mexico wants to come to America, why don’t we make it easy for them and just make Mexico part of the United States?

Imagine how easy it would be for the Marines to roll a couple tanks down into Tijuana and blow the fuck out of the drug cartels.

It’d be a piece of cake. And they’d be done in time to enjoy the local Donkey Show.

Once our military successfully overthrows the Mexican Government, the United States will assume ownership of all government buildings and property. Obviously, all the Mexican home owners will keep their property.

After we’ve completely secured the country we’ll send in the corporations to do what they do best -- develop the shit out of whatever stands in the wake of their destruction.

And with old fashioned American ingenuity -- and current day cheap Mexican labor -- we’ll pave the roads and create a functioning sewer system that actually conceals the stench of shit.

Best of all, Mexican men and women will no longer have to travel hundreds of miles for work because the new rich white people who move to Mexico will need maids and gardeners, too.

Lastly, incase you haven’t seen it yet, I leave you with a new movie trailer about a pissed off Mexican who’s not taking the white man’s shit anymore. If we don’t act fast, this is what could happen to us: