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December 21, 2012

10 classics guaranteed to leave you happily alone and drinking in the den on Christmas.


Because all of us have an annoying Cousin Edgar.  He may not be named Edgar, or even be a woman, but the type exists.  You never liked them as kids, yet somehow, like clockwork, until the day you escape to the grave, Edgar will be there — exchanging presents with you in the month of December.  But of course only spending a fraction of what you spend on him, because he’s fucking cheap Edgar.  And annoying.  And competitive with you, even though he went to an online college, has been divorced twice, and is missing the tip of a finger.

But rest assured.  There is an escape from the ever present, stalker Edgar, as he follows you from room to room Christmas Eve, announcing to the crowd what number drink you’re on.   The solution — grab a bottle of vodka, camp out in the Den, and put on a movie that will freak the shit out of lame Edgar!  And here are some real winners:


Edgar’s Mom’s house will be filled with his screams as he suffers night terrors from this David Lynch classic.

One of the creepiest, unsettling pieces of cinema from the twisted mind of David Lynch.  Can you say floating Fetus scene?  Edgar’s primitive brain will be unable to process this cinematic art — resulting in his 83 year old Mother having to take him home early.  Hurray!


This romantic classic will confuse Edgar’s virgin mind.

Putting this one on will really throw simple Edgar for a loop.  His first instinct will be to tell everyone that you really are gay.  Then, when he realizes that all of attractive women at the party are flocking around you, complimenting you on your taste in film, and crowing how gorgeous Audrey Hepburn’s dress is — he’ll realize the full extent of his defeat.   Because Edgar is a fucking loser.  And Audrey Hepburn is hot.  Even for a dead chick.


Hey! Where did bloody Mel Gibson go, and why are we in the middle of the ocean on rusty jet skis?

I know you’re thinking — Waterworld sucks.  But it doesn’t.  It grows on you.  Like a fungus.  And best of all, Edgar doesn’t have the capacity to separate critical reviews from actual underlying merit.  So he’ll flee from it, afraid of it’s perceived taint, leaving you alone … watching this glorious movie that never ends … which means you can isolate yourself from Edgar and the rest of your cretinous clan for about 4 hours — enjoying web-toed Kevin Costner as he splashes around on his catamaran with a bunch of rejects from the Mad Max movies.  And don’t even start me on one-eyed Dennis Hopper making speeches about land, and pulling butts on a giant rusted oil tanker.  Holla.


Number One, plot a course for Counselor Troi’s massive knockers.

Yes, there are Star Trek movies without Shatner, and without J.J. Abrams.  Led by Patrick Stewart’s brilliant Captain Jean Luc Picard, these t.v. quality movies with painful plotting, and even worse acting, are pure kryptonite for any but the most hard-core of sci fi nerds.  And as we’ve learned in the 21st century, there’s a certain coolness to nerd-dom, that pathetic Edgar can never understand.  Which is why he’ll leave you the fuck alone while you endure Commander Data’s annoying questions about what makes us human.  The answer Mr. Data — don’t wear so much fucking white makeup.


Edgar will be mesmerized as he watches his doppelgängers in this cult classic of bad film-making.

Considered perhaps the best terrible movie ever — this train wreck of a disaster is guaranteed to make Edgar’s tiny mind turn to glue.  Five year old kids make better movies than Troll 2 — but they can’t make anything as bad.  Which is the brilliance of Troll 2.  It is so horrible to actually be genius.  And the more you tell this to Edgar, the more he’ll shove sugar cookies in his mouth — his defensive mechanism from utter cluelessness.  Resulting in him suffering a minor stroke — guaranteed to bring you years of mirth laughing at his dead arm.


Who the fuck shot my dragon bird?!!!

This movie is so damn weird even I can barely watch it.  Want to see an animated hottie in a bikini ride around on a dying bird, picking fights … all against a landscape that a YES album would envy?  Heavy Metal is your flick.  And not Edgar’s — who thinks cartoons are for children.  But not video games.  Because Edgar loves video games.  And he’s 52.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES (the original)

Radioactive mutants ripping into flesh will guarantee that Edgar loses his disgusting appetite, and doesn’t steal the special piece of apple pie your Mommy saved for you.

Not the remake, but the original.  One of the scariest movies ever made, when Wes Craven talent was at it’s goriest peak.  There’s a scene where a mutant is just ripping flesh out of the side of a woman, and chewing.  Ewww!  Fat Edgar will never eat again after that piece of horror porn.


The mere sight of this rockstar DVD cover will make Edgar drop his Bud Light and flee.

Not the first movie, and not the third movie, but the second movie — special extended version — which is AWESOME.  The one which opens with Gandalf being snared by a Balrog’s fire whip, and falling into the black abyss of Moria, The movie where Theoden,  King of Rohan, leads his people — 500 New Zealand extras — into a claustrophobic keep, to protect them from a horde of Sarumen’s super orcs.  Oh yeah, and do you recall an elf army showing up — all stoic, in their cool silver armor, complete with a care package for Orlando Bloom from his elf Mommy?  I do — and hopefully you do — but Edgar won’t.  He’ll be confused, disoriented and probably pee himself — forcing a quick exit.  Leaving you in peace to soak in this Middle Earth masterpiece.


Henry Fonda challenging Burgess Meredith’s claim that Spider Rico is a tomato.

This 1962, sophisticated, black and white political drama about the nomination process of a Secretary of State will have the same effect on Edgar as shooting a mouse with an elephant tranquilizer.  His cow-like eyes will roll into his head, and he’ll just drop to the ground.  But first you’ll have some fun as Edgar tells everyone to watch it, confusing it for  IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, because that is the only movie Edgar’s ever seen that’s not in color.  Because Edgar is a fucking cave man.  And Advise & Consent is a sharp, intelligent piece of film-making — utterly beyond the comprehension of your imbecillic cousin.


Whose life is it anyway? It’s paralyzed, obnoxious Richard Dreyfuss’s life, bitch!

WARNING.  This movie should only be watched as a last resort.  If Edgar has somehow survived the prior nine movies, break out this indulgent 1980s flop.  Richard Dreyfuss, 1981, at the height of his powers as an over-the-top, loud, obnoxious actor … playing a … over-the-top, loud, obnoxious quadriplegic.  I have few memories worse than watching this movie — and that includes funerals, anxiety attacks and food poisoning on a plane — yet, Dreyfuss has his uses.  This movie is guaranteed to destroy the will of almost any human being.

And that is my anti-asshole list.  You’ll notice that there are not a lot of comedies on this list — though Dreyfuss has a couple of good snarky zingers as they’re changing his bedpan –and that is for a reason.  Morons like Edgar like comedies, any comedy.  And his favorite is … FLETCH.  FLETCH must be avoided at all costs.  Edgar will happily drool over it, trying to impress you by quoting Chevy Chase in every scene.  ”And I’ll have the steak sandwich.  And the steak sandwich.”  If you see a copy of Fletch anywhere in your holiday venue — toss it into the fire.  Then toss in a container of gasoline for good measure.


Edgar loves Fletch. Which is why you HATE Fletch.