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January 27, 2016
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Before you desecrate that ancient Indian burial ground, you may want to consider these nine things.

So … you let your kid get run over by a 16-wheeler. A lot of people might tell you not to blame yourself, but in all honestly you are the one who thought having a roadside picnic and letting your kid play with a kite near a busy trucking route were great ideas.

Not to worry! Your elderly nextdoor neighbor has been around the block a few times. Sure he helped you bring back your dead cat, but we’re talking about human life now. If he seems apprehensive about helping you bring back your dead, he probably has his reasons. Your first clue should have been the egregious misspelling of the word “Cemetery.” So before you grab that shovel and mess around with forces no one should understand, check out these nine reasons why you shouldn’t bury your deceased loved one in a Pet Sematary.


REASON 1: “The Ground’s Gone Sour”

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Sour Patch

Maybe a long time ago in a cemetery not so far away (maybe a mile or so from your backyard), the ancient burial ground could bring back a dead loved one with no problems. But just like with planting crops, the ground eventually starts under-performing and yielding evil zombie corpses. Oh, and if someone tells you a delightful anecdote about another person buried there that came back as a bone-eating maniac, YOU FUCKING LISTEN! Hmmm … maybe you should plant seeds instead of bodies.

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Someone needs a hug … or to be burned.


REASON 2: “Sometimes Dead Is Better”

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What did YOU DO?!

That’s a tough pill to swallow. But it’s a hard fast truth, especially when dealing with the undead. If you buried your cat and it came back evil as fuck, it’s almost a forgone conclusion that you will end up with a fucked up evil zombie kid, should you decide to tempt the spirits. It’s simple math really. Do you really think you’d be the one who could be the odds? C'mon, dude. Also, who knows, maybe your kid would’ve grown up to be the next Donald Trump if he/she wasn’t turned into swiss cheese by a truck. OR MAYBE Trump was brought back from the dead too … CONSPIRACY!


REASON 3: “What You Own Always Comes Back To You”

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This is especially true when you have a “If Lost, Please Return To” label on all your shit. If I had a backpack for every time my backpack was returned to me thanks to that handy little label, I’d be up to my asshole in backpacks.Whatever way you take this to mean, once you bury something up there, it’s coming back for you WITH A VENGEANCE. Kind of like a people boomerang … that now wants to kill you.

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The kid’s pretty handy with a blade.


REASON 4: “The Person You Bury Ain’t The Person That Comes Back”

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“How does my new make-up look?”

Have you ever been dead and then suddenly not dead any more? You’d be cranky too. Well, this reason is explaining that same reasoning in its own special way. Imagine being told you were going to sleep for the rest of eternity and then BAM! Whoops sorry, our bad … wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey. Death is like sleeping, right?


REASON 5: The Mess

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Christ, what a mess!

Not sure how many corpses you’ve buried yourself, but it’s hard goddamn work! Forget the blood and dead bodies for just a second and think about all the dirt you’ll be covered in and tracking around with you. Are you gonna clean that up? Hopefully when the dead come back they try to tidy up instead of cut your throat open with a surgical blade.


REASON 6: You’ll Be Annoyed By “Told Ya So” Ghosts With A Gaping Head Wound

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Someone needs a little aspirin

So you’ve just wrestled over burying your dead relative in the evil mystical burial ground just beyond the Pet Semetary, the last thing you need is to be harassed by the ghost of a runner with a massive brain injury. First of all, GROSS! Second of all, not interested. Imagine what this guy was like when he was alive. Pain in the ass! You’ve already made a huge mistake creating a zombie, you don’t need some self-righteous asshole from the afterlife now telling you how to live your life. Beat it, Bub.


REASON 7: It’s Addictive As Fuck

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The first one gets you hooked!

We’d be lying if we told you trying to bring back the dead was a one and done kind of thing, but the truth is it’s like playing scratch-offs. You keep hoping for a winner every time another murderous reanimated monster comes back to wreak havoc on you and everything you hold dear. So make that shovel disappear and seek some professional help.YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Seriously, you’d be better off shooting up heroin.


REASON 8: It’s A Real Hike

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If this old man can do it, maybe you can too!

We’re not sure what kind of shape you’re in, but it’s a real hike to get to secret places with ancient evil. Maybe it’s intentional or maybe it’s just a happy coincidence … either way it’s a LOT of cardio and one should probably consult a medical professional first as you would before starting any strenuous exercise program.You don’t want to have a heart attack and die while trying to bring back the dead. Talk about buzzkills.


REASON 9: Insurance Claims And “The Law”

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Yummy!

Jesus Christ, what did you think was going to happen? When people die, there is a shit ton of paperwork that has to be done and even more when a dead person comes back and goes on a mindless killing spree. People tend to notice a ghostly white child brandishing a surgical blade who’s chewing on an old man’s throat. The cops have a few questions for you and insurance fraud is a crime.

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