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August 01, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

While being followed by a documentary crew, Snoop Dogg announced he will now be known as Snoop Lion. You can tell it's a sincere gesture because it will be available for download on iTunes.

A spokesman for Mitt Romney told reporters in Poland, “Kiss my ass,” when they attempted to ask Romney questions. Mitt Romney has since disciplined the spokesman for showing any signs of a personality.

Oil company BP reported a loss of $1.4 billion. So enough with the complaints, Gulf Coast fishermen going bankrupt.

Psychologists now suggest that lying to yourself can actually work. Or not, depending on whether the psychologists were lying to themselves about the results.

A Kentucky man allegedly attacked his girlfriend when he saw a picture of a man on her Facebook page who turned out to be Mitt Romney. All things considered, it's probably best she's not an Obama supporter.

Swimmer Michael Phelps beat the record for most Olympic medals. Phelps says he was unaware of the record. Or most things for that matter.

NASA  released a video featuring narration from William Shatner and Wil Wheaton about the Mars rover landing set for next week. Despite being given the same scripts, Wheaton's video is somehow 12 minutes shorter.

According to the New York Times, Apple will debut the iPhone 5 on Sept. 12. However, the New York Post says it's Sept. 14, while most independents think it will be Sept. 13. CALENDAR HUMOR!

Gun control advocates are calling for a ban on anonymously buying bullets over the Internet. Many politicians are anonymously supporting them.

"Twilight" star Robert Pattinson reportedly wants an in-person talk with the director who had an affair with Pattinson's ex-girlfriend. "Don't worry, I don't bite," said Pattinson. "Get it? I played a vampire. People know me as a vampire. Vampires bite people to drink their blood. I'm not a real vampire though." Or: For more info on the sorry, be sure to check out the latest issue of Teen Cuckold Beat.

In Russia, anti-Putin critic Aleksei Navalny was charged Tuesday with embezzlement charges. Keep in mind, in Russia, charges embezzle you.

This week, runner Mark Covert continued his record for most consecutive days jogging at least a mile, with 44 years. So enough with the complaints, Mark Covert's wife and kids.

Model and TV host Tyra Banks says she became so stressed out that she considered walking away from her reality series "America's Next Top Model." However, there wasn't a runway so she wasn't sure how.