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Stats & Data

April 03, 2018

Instead of the same old, why not try something new?

I was still waiting for Spring to show up and needed a cold one while I waited. Fortunately, Uncle Dickie was at his usual spot, sitting at the bar, watching the news.

“So, what is all the news fit to print today?” I asked.

“Well, evidently the two worst people on Earth are Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, depending on who you listen to.”

“But my biggest question goes back a few weeks, to the banning of transsexuals from the military.”

“From memory,” I said, “they said that was done because these people are ‘undermining combat readiness.”

“Yeah, that’s it,” he noted. “Evidently, the trans-fighting soldiers must interfere with our military’s ability to bomb people, go on patrol, jump out of planes, or react to attacks.”

“Not being a part of the trans-community, I cannot say,” I noted. “However, since it’s estimated there may be as many as 4,000 to 10,000 transsexuals already in the service, they must have researched the issue with these people and found them lacking in some way.”

“Right. I’m sure it’s based on data,” he said. “In fact, I suspect they timed the trans-soldiers getting ready and found they take extra time for make-up, or maybe to hide their undesired anatomical appendages.

“In fact, they undoubtedly made this determination based on serious things a soldier actually needs, such as fighting capability, intelligence in using weaponry, durability and devotion to the country. It couldn’t possibly have been done for political reasons.”

“Point taken, I said. "The reasons they gave were pretty vague. However, as I recall, the real gist of the ban was they don’t want to have to pay for things that transsexuals may need when making a transition, like medications, or surgery.”

“Which, makes some sense, however they plan to figure that out. What will they do, ask? Something like, ‘So, how far along the trans-phase are you?’ I’m sure people will answer that accurately.

"In any case, I actually have another possible reason for the ban that makes more sense.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I think it’s connected to the military parade being planned. I think they don’t want a bunch of trans-soldiers marching past the White House because they’re afraid Russia, Korea and France will make fun of us.”

“Hmmm,” I pondered. “You’re theory is that the two items are related, that the real "deep state” reason for this change is that we’re now in a parade contest, and we have to look a lot tougher than everyone else, and they’re afraid of what could happen if we vamp out.“

"Think about it; trans-people and trans-soldiers may look like everyone else, or not. Probably some do, some don’t.

"But given that we’re having a parade, and the intent is to look big and tough, fire and fury, hell or high water, we’re afraid somebody will focus on those who may look different, and blast that around the world. So, we’d be seen as who we really are - a bunch of different types of folks - some different, some ok, some just nuts - we couldn’t compare to Putin’s shirtless-on-a-horse image.”

“So, in your view, it’s really PR driving the ban,” I surmised, “based on fear that people may not take our toughness all that seriously if we look different.”

“Right. We need to keep that Captain America-thing going.”

“I suppose there is actually a point to that,” I said. “I’m not saying that trans-guys-and-girls aren’t tough, because I have no idea, but I would rather be seen as The Rock than Caitlyn Jenner.”

“I don’t really disagree either, for that matter. But we’re kind of old school. Maybe we’re just not thinking this through.

"What if, instead of reining everything in, and having the same old military parade, we let our freak flags fly, with a full regalia of transsexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, trisexuals, anti-sexuals, and heterosexuals all armed to the teeth, in full battle or marching gear, but who can express themselves however they want.”

“Interesting idea” I noted. “Instead of a regular old marching-tough-guy-parade, with everybody bored to death, we could go full-flamer, with gays, trans, straights, hippies, red-necks and to-be-determined all marching in their selected outfits, carrying guns, feathers, boas, grenades and pop-up bras.”

“That’s my theory. Look, I don’t care who does our fighting. I have respect for anyone who volunteers, white, brown, gay, straight, trans, Asian, Latino, or Indian. If you have good intentions, meet the physical and mental qualifications, you want to defend the country and kill a lot of bad guys, and you’re not totally nuts, have at it.

"And I get the fact that the sexual thing takes some getting used to in the military, especially in basic training.

"However, since we have an all-volunteer armed services; and since good people who can pass a drug test are at a premium, what I don’t get is kicking people out just to make some point with one political base or another. And, as you noted, we could have a helluva lot better parade. We’d show the rotten Russians, Koreans, and French a few things about diversity, and show-business for that matter.”

“I think it’s a spectacular idea,” I finished. “A new fighting force. More people in the military. Easier recruitment. And we could make every military parade-loving establishment in the world look like a bunch of old codgers.”

“Right,” he said, “instead of ban, we marry the old guard with the liberal fringe; a modern-day, diverse miracle. We’d be going from John Wayne to Divine. A perfect opportunity to really show the world what America is made of. Think it’ll happen?”

“Only if the next celebrity we elect as President if RuPaul….”