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March 03, 2015

He doesn't need it. He could probably buy one if he wanted. But they gave it to him anyways!

A few weeks ago, after he had just been handed the trophy for his Super Bowl win, Tom Brady walked over to mid-field and was given a brand new Chevy truck. For free!

Why did they give that truck to Tom Brady? If you really think about it, he’s probably the last guy who needs a free truck! He’s rich, and can probably buy a truck on his own if he wanted one. And what’s more, he probably doesn’t even haul that much lumber, mulch, farm equipment, or any other kind of cargo. Why didn’t they donate it to charity, or give him something he could use? Also, why is my right hand tingling a little bit?

My right hand feels numb, like it’s fallen asleep or I’ve been sitting on it, but I definitely haven’t. Also, honestly, what do you think Tom Brady is even going to use that truck for? Dollars to donuts, it’s sitting in his garage right now, gathering dust. Just another example of the rich getting richer. I mean, I’m not blaming anybody, it just seems weird. Like, I heard once that Donald Trump gets his dinners for free whenever he goes to fancy restaurants. For free! I mean, think about it. Sure,it’s good for the restaurant if he talks about them on TV or something, but he’s really the last guy who needs to his dinners comped – he’s very rich! My arm just spasmed a little bit. This has never happened before. Should I be worried?

And man, what a great truck it was. Cherry red. I didn’t catch exactly what model it was, but it looked like one of those extended-cab jobs. Probably with the satellite radio hook-ups and everything standard. Okay, now I am getting a little worried. My shoulder is completely numb and I’m starting to have chest pains. Which side is the heart on again? Is it the right side, or do you use your right hand to put over it? I can never remember.

Anyways, this isn’t exactly why I bring it up, but I could’ve used that truck. Sure, why not? I could’ve used it. I’ve got a truck,an old Mazda, that I picked up used a few years ago (I “picked up” a “pick-up,” I guess you could say!) I’m having a heart attack right now. If you’re at all in a position to get a nice little truck without breaking your budget, you should really just go ahead and do it. I mean, you don’t really realize all the ways truck ownership can make your life easier.

I can’t breathe. My entire upper body is seizing up and my vision is blurred to the point where I can’t make out the ceiling except as a vague white mass. It’s filled my entire field of vision. I’ve collapsed to the floor and am laying on my back. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t feel any part of my body. My life is flashing in front of me.

You know those times you have to take some branches to the dump? Or when you buy a piece of furniture off Craig’s List, then you’re like, “wait, this thing won’t fit in my compact car.” Just throw it in your truck! No need to hire someone or ask a buddy. No headache at all!

And trucks aren’t just good for hauling cargo – they’re also essential for when you need to tow something. A lot of people overlook that when they think about uses for trucks. If you’ve got a boat, or a trailer, or a jet-ski (which I do), then a truck is really indispensable. Just for the horsepower, I mean. Where am I? Oh my God, here it comes again. I’m having another heart attack.

Right here on the floor. This is it. I’ve walked through this dining room 10,000 times, past this exact spot. Not once did I ever imagine this would be the spot where my life would drain from my helpless, paralyzed body. I have so many regrets.

Come to think of it, Tom Brady almost certainly has a boat - which means he probably also already has a truck! I mean Boston is a coastal town,why wouldn’t he want to take advantage of that in the off-season? Odds are, he’s got a truck to haul that boat. Maybe not, but probably. I think, at least.

I don’t regularly go to church, but I pray to God if I survive this, I’ll never smoke another cigarette as long as I live. Please,please, please, please, I want to live. I want to live. I’ll cut out all that stuff. I always said, “hey, it’s not worth it to live longer if I’m not having fun.” How foolish and shortsighted I was. I want to live.

Please, God, I can’t get off the floor. Please let me live.I don’t want my family to see me like this. I don’t want to die here like this.There’s so much left for me to do. I can do so much more good.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Won’t my friends constantly be asking me to help them move?” Eh, valid concern, but it’s worth it. I mean, the conveniences outweigh the inconveniences. For sure. Yep, I definitely recommend getting a truck if you can swing it.

Oh my gosh. It’s all coming back. I can see. I can feel my hands again. I can stand up. Oh my God, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I can’t believe it. I mean, I’m completely in shock. I just had two heart attacks in quick succession. You never think something like that can happen to you.

But yeah, seriously, how come they gave Tom Brady that free truck! It’s like, what the hell!? Haha, I’m just kidding. I know it’s good publicity for them to be on the Super Bowl or whatever. I get it. It’s just kinda weird, you know?