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November 30, 2016

Potential Game Changers Waiting in the Ballots

Critics are calling the Wisconsin presidential election recount foolish and a waste of time, but here are 20 smoking guns they might just find once they start digging:

1. A stack of 2,000 uncounted Hillary Clinton ballots that got stuck together with cheese.
2. 2,500 Scantron ballots marked with butter instead of pencil.
3. 900 Democratic ballots buried under a snow drift.
4. 4,000 ballots in lederhosen pockets officials forgot to check.
5. 500 ballots mistakenly deposited in the deep fryer instead of the ballot box.
6. 300 ballots rejected because they were folded into functional accordions.
7. 200 ballots being used to hold brats.
8. 20 ballots caught in a lumberjack’s beard.
9. 2,000 ballots being used as beer coasters.
10. 600 ballots rolled into beer cups.
11. 350 ballots rolled into beer straws.
12. 80 ballots rolled into beer funnels.
13. 25 ballots actually being brewed into beer.
14. 1,300 ballots still legible after being regurgitated by a cow.
15. A dozen ballots rolled up and stuffed in the holes of a cheesehead.
16. 10,000 write-in votes for Aaron Rodgers.
17. 50,000 write-in votes for beer.
18. 100,00 write-in votes for cheese.
19. 1 million write-in votes for banning skim milk.
20. And of course, the ukulele/bong Jill Stein has been looking for this entire time.