Further proof you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him tweet.
My cousin got kicked by a horse & died for 5 mins. Apparently when you die you see your cousin take off your Swatch & put it in his pocket— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) March 13, 2017
"I want a car but I want to feel like I'm on a fast horse" - guy who invented convertibles— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) June 3, 2017
Hard to think of women as the crazy ones when one of the first stories was how a bunch of dudes hid in a big horse just to get one girl back— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) July 13, 2017
HORSE FACTS— Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) March 22, 2017
Horses do not have hands and feet, just hands.
Horses are from France.
Horses say "clip clop."
All horses are named Strawberry.
Who called it a police horse and not a clip-clop-cop?— mo (@chuuew) June 13, 2017
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) June 12, 2017
Me: Ask that horse if you don't believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Next time u see a person on a horse go up to them and say "Oh nice, what is that?"— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) July 8, 2017
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him fix your broken marriage. Horses are bad marriage counselors, they just drink the water— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) July 17, 2017
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 1, 2017
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
a horse walks into a barn. wait, why am i here says the barkeep— jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 15, 2017
Every year in your sleep you swallow:— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) June 21, 2017
-Five teeth (your own)
-Three teeth (somebody else's)
-One sneaky horse
[Dwayne Johnson sitting on his bed doodling horses in his journal]— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) July 16, 2017
Mrs. Johnson: Whatcha doing in there?
Dwayne [clears throat]: PUSH-UPS
We live in a post-facts world, which could mean cool things like, horses are the size of shoes. But instead it means the president is a liar— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 8, 2017
me: [pretends to cough to cover up a fart]— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 9, 2017
my friend in the back part of our two person horse costume: are you kidding me
Cool horse: "I couldn't care at all."— madds (@whatmaddness) May 6, 2017
Fat horse: "Omg. I could carrot so much."
[God inventing zebra]— Paul (@bingowings14) February 23, 2017
How about a horse that's dressed for bed?
Me [not woke] - "duhh I think fascism is good"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 22, 2017
Horse [is woke, but cannot convey human language] ... [moves leg slightly]
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*— Elle Oh Hell(@ElleOhHell) February 16, 2017
BARTENDER: Why the long fa--
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Thanks for coming to my art show, my paintings aim to address the ancient question "Do centaurs suck the human nipple or the horse nipple?"— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) February 13, 2017
the 1.5 horses you need in your home:— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 12, 2017
-half a horse
-0. you are done. good job
-you do not need anymore horse. goodbye
chess is a lot like real life the man does very little the woman does everything and horses move forward then sideways a bit— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 9, 2017
"He was hung like a horse, but it was cool because she too had a horselike genitals." -me selling my romance novel pitch in the room— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) December 30, 2016
Everyone loves the story of the town electing a dog mayor, but I grew up there. Snakes deliver the mail. Police horses own guns. It is Hell.— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) July 8, 2017