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March 26, 2018

New Carl is really earning his name. 18 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S08E13 "Do Not Send Us Astray"

1) Morgan’s Doing Great

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Morgan is doing great! And you can tell because he’s yelling at and attacking a dead dude who isn’t there. A signature move from people who are doing great.

2) Daryl With The Air Horn LMAO

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Leaked photo of Diplo’s MTV Unplugged set

Everyone’s hitting their warning honky honks and Daryl’s really out here laying on that air horn like he’s aiming for third place in a middle school reggaeton DJ contest.

3) Siddiqie Howser, M.D.

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Siddiq, this show’s latest fake doctor, is getting cursed out by a veteran fake doctor for his lack of fake doctor knowledge. He doesn’t even know how to hold people down and murder them! That’s day one fake doctor stuff! Go back to Zombie Med School, asshole. OH, SNAP. Jerry with the tennis elbow signal.

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This is it, don’t get scared now.

4) Simon Says

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Maggie tries to negotiate with Savior hostages, but Simon says he likes soldiers better who DON’T get captured. And hungry poor people with problems need to figure their own shit out. Spoken like a dude who truly wants to be president.

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Dwight cautions Simon that Negan would be SUPER PISSED if he found out about this and he might still find out about this. Simon says it’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, which works if you’re talking about eating your roommate’s last Choco Taco but substantially less applicable when it comes to killing people your boss said specifically don’t kill.


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Daryl commences fightin’ time by shooting at people from his moving bike in the dark. And YEEEE HAWW, PARTNERS it is OFFICIALLY fightin’ time. Everybody shooting at everyone. Even some Robin Hood bow and arrow shit. Very cool. Massive death, all over the place, from people we’ve never seen once before. OH, NO! They got Tobin?!? You’re gonna be fine, dude. Carol’s here and she’s going to bake some fresh cookies and put them on that wound. Aaaand Dwight saves Tara by shooting her. How thoughtful.

6) Rick “The Wetter The Better” Grimes

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Simon is ready for some proper slaughtering time. But the Hilltop had some proper slaughtering to do of their own! Who knew whistling in the dark at a building full of your armed enemies was a strategic misstep? Rick “The Wetter The Better” Grimes shows up, wet as hell, and that’s how you know he’s here to work. Aaaand he almost kills one of the last fake doctors alive. Great job, Rick.

7) Mental Health Is A Battlefield

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Morgan is still doing fantastic. No problems here. Certainly not talking to ghosts.

8) Rick’s Gripping Yarn

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Rick tells Maggie the gripping yarn about the time he tried to kill Negan. But didn’t. But he tried. But did not kill him. Which sums up every goddamn episode of this show for the last two years.

9) The Ol’ Switcharoo

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Wait. Wasn’t Daryl JUST saying this EXACT SAME THING to Tara a week ago? And now their positions seem to have completely flipped, each unable to see the exact perspective they themselves had ONE WEEK AGO? If these two could just have a meeting and figure out how they want to feel about Dwight, and fucking stick to it, that would be lovely.

10) Michonne And Rick’s Quality Time

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Sorry, Michonne. But Rick doesn’t want your nasty turnips. Nobody wants turnips, not even in the zombie apocalypse. Michonne tries to help heal Rick’s potentially infected wound, but he can’t right now. He’s too busy removing wood from these windows with an axe. Really time sensitive project.

11) Maggie’s Peace Offering

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Maggie makes a peace offering. Get outside the gate, with guards, so you can shave whatever the fuck you think you’re growing on the bottom part of your face.

12) Will Carol And Tobin Bang Again?

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Who amongst us has not been here. Rehashing a relationship with your ex while you’re stabbed in the tummy and she’s wearing BMX pads. It’s almost too relatable. And if the show thinks I’m going to stick around to see if these two bang again? The answer is yeah, sure. Why not. I don’t have anything better to do on a Sunday night.

13) Ready Prayer None

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This was THE BEST. Rick got interrupted during his gun loading thinky time and was FINALLY ready to accept some much needed medical treatment … until Siddiq started talking about prayers and he was like, “Nah. Rather get infected to death. Thaaanks. Ricky G OUT.“

14) The Zombies Are Coming From INSIDE The House

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Damn, Tobin. RIP. And the “Will Carol and Tobin bang again?” story arc comes to its gripping conclusion. OH, NO!!! Blood all over one of the last pairs of white tennis ever! This episode should’ve come with a disclaimer for graphic content. How is nobody at the floor slumber party waking up right now? A dude just somersaulted down the stairs all “KUHTHUDTHUDTHUD” and six other walkers just strolled in the front door all “GARGLGARGLGARGL” come on with this shit.

15) March For Our Gregorys

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Gregory is trying to hold a one child march for ending easily preventable assault rifle Gregory deaths. And while Gregory is the worst, as always, Face Pubes over there makes some good points about feeling good and how murder might not make you feel so good. But I’d rather feel bad and be a murderer than feel good and have face pubes.

16) Jesus Take The Heel

This Jesus kick with Michonne assists was great. Please make a spinoff series that’s just Jesus kicking zombies and Michonne stabbing them in the brain with a sword. I don’t know why I have to think of everything.

17) New Carl Is Really Earning His Name

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OH MY GOD. NEW CARL. GOD DAMMIT YOU ARE SO DUMB. You have an assault rifle! That fence is not bullet proof! If you want to shoot at people in there, just shoot. You definitely don’t need to unlock the door because … YUP. Yeah. They escaped. God dammit, New Carl. You are SO New Carl.

18) Dude, Where’s My New Carl?

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Aaaand Henry New Carl is gone. And now it’s time to look for him. Because a missing kid storyline involving Carol was so fun for fans the first time. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Tara and Daryl ever decide how they feel about Dwight? Turns out Daryl likes him and Tara likes him but Daryl LIKES HIM likes him and is waiting to find out how Dwight feels about him from a friend in class. Will the converted prisoners be loyal to Maggie? Sure! Plenty of healthy and long-lasting relationships have been born out of Stockholm Syndrome. Is the whole Morgan talking to a bloody ghost thing extremely similar to Pet Sematary?

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Yes! It is. Pet Sematary is a really good movie, much better than this show, and if this show wants to rip off Pet Sematary more often I’m all for it. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S08E14 of The Walking Dead.