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J.K. Rowling surprised fans this week by releasing an all-new Harry Potter story featuring the characters at age 34. Here’s what to expect:

  • After three beers, Harry starts claiming he never made it to the pro Quidditch league because of a knee injury.
  • Ron calls Hermione a bitch and they have to go to magical couples counseling.
  • Hagrid is working on an erotic fiction novel entitled ‘50 Shades of Me Penis.’
  • Harry uses an Accounting Spell to cheat on his taxes.
  • Ron is starting to get pretty into Steely Dan.
  • The sorting hat had a midlife crisis and turned into a fedora.
  • Hogwarts is now an online wizard school.
  • Hagrid becomes the new spokesperson for Subway after losing 800 pounds by eating only turkey subs and cutting out butterbeer.
  • Harry and the gang now suffer from crippling brain damage from their school days playing Quidditch.
  • New York has banned Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans because of sugar content.
  • Harry’s profession as an Auror at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement turns out to be much more bureaucratic and administrative work than he had pictured when he was in school. Harry spends most of his days aimlessly checking email and looking at dumb internet list pieces on Mugglebuzz.com when his boss isn’t looking. Some days Harry will catch himself staring out the window, not knowing how long he’s been staring, and wondering whatever happened to those days of adventure and excitement, days that at the time he was in such a hurry to escape but now would give anything to return to for just one day…
  • Hermione Granger is now Himione Granger (she’s a MAN, baby!).
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