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November 30, 2011

The first FaNasty News league-wide article, introducing you to our 10-man fantasy football league and the daily pressures of being a fantasy football team owner. IF YOU PLAYED FANTASY FOOTBALL IN 2011 AND/OR YOU ENJOY LAUGHING, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY READ THIS.

So I wanted my first article to be that Tebow bit, but let us now backtrack. This next post was when I began to start covering the news surrounding our fantasy football league, thus maximizing my productivity at my day job. This was only the beginning of my personal project that is still in progress, and I promise it only gets better as the weeks go on.

Two things to remember. One: I actually text all of the other team owners for real quotes, so anything in quotes is non-fabricated. Two: The only changes made to these articles are minor grammar corrections and masking my friends' names to avoid any future defamation lawsuits. Owners legend listed below.


Professional Blues = me (Fox)

my ninjas = black

Jack D Rocks = brown

Legion of Doom = blue

RamRods = red

Bastard Mutants = orange

T. Green? = green

AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)

CANT WAIT = turquoise 

Bruce Blingstein = gray






FaNasty News Around The League (Week 7)

Friday, 10/21 10:00AM - League officials have lifted FN's exclusive media contract with the Professional Blues. They have infused our staff with the resources necessary to now report league-wide. While we are six weeks in, we are excited to bring to you our 'Around the League' segment. 

PB Squad owner Fox just acquired Colt McCoy on a 'one-week-only' trade, but he still must go against the surprisingly decent my ninjas without quarterbacks Mike Vick and Ryan Fitzmagic (bye weeks). Fox sees my ninjas owner D** O******** as a wild card decision-maker and thinks his team is on the decline, maybe even this week. O******** refused to speak with FN reporters, apparently worried with how long his current quarterback situation will hold up for the long term. Only a great performance by McCoy will earn the P Blues the win, but look for these two teams to begin traveling in opposite directions following this week. 
(my ninjas -10.5) 

With running back Maurice Jones-Drew making a one week cameo for the Jack D Rocks club, S** C******* is optimistic. We caught up with both owners, and JDR boss C******* likes the odds of his resilient team. He did not question the talent of his opponent, however he commented that, "I feel like my face is melting from how hot my team is these days." LoD owner B** J**** was his slap-happy self when talking about this weekend's matchup, saying that his prediction is "PAIN" and that, "Jack D Sucks!" The MJD trade should help Jack D Rocks, but don't look for it to seal the deal. 
(Legion of Doom -14.5) 

The RamRods are a quiet 4-2 this season, and their owner is even quieter. Not only were we unable to get J*** C******'s comments on this week's huge matchup with the Bastard Mutants, we couldn't even find him in the team's *** ******* facilities. This is either a sign of disrespect, or a stroke of genius heading into this week's battle for second (and possibly first) place. Mutants owner D** S*****, however, was a little more colorful. "We gon' win," said a buzzed S*****, who reeked of LaBatt Blue and still had chicken wing sauce smeared across his face. He then went off the record with an explicit extension of his prediction. Let's just say it was some disgustingly clever wordplay involving the RamRods team name and an asshole...C******'s asshole. I think the Mutants will pull it off this week on the arm of Drew Brees, but the Rods hold with the points. Upset alert though, you've been warned. 
(RamRods +10.5) 

T. GREEN? v. AK-47 
T. Green? owner T** P****** couldn't be happier with his opponent during a heavy bye week for his team. According to him, his T. Green? squad is an even 3-3 because he's faced a lot of teams who "had big weeks." He will be monitoring his team, however, to see how they perform against an undermatched AK-47 club. P****** said that his club will go out with "our best available and try to beat a team that's down right now." No doubt that the AK-47 club is down and out, and so was their owner Adam when asked to comment on this week's matchup. Perhaps he is fearing P******'s closing remarks, when he predicted, "It's gonna be a bloodbath." T. Green? big this week, another team on the rise. 
(T. Green? -39.5) 

CANT WAIT owner E***** S****** is looking to shake off a three-game skid, and he doesn't need new players to do it. After denying a "garbage trade" proposed by RamRods owner C****** (who is quickly earning the title of Mr. Shitty Trade Proposals), S****** is looking to bounce back with a big win over the deadbeat Bruce Blingstein club. Similar to P******, S****** feels he has faced a lot of teams that just so happened to play extraordinary against his club on those given weeks. Fact: L***'s Bruce Blingstein club will NOT have an extraordinary week. S******, while upset we didn't contact his secretary before reaching out to him, ended up giving us his thoughts on the league's hottest team. While he feels his club is currently the team to beat, he said he was quite impressed with my ninjas and the "drunken master" draft style of notorious stoner O********. Perhaps they'll meet in the playoffs, but you can for sure pencil CANT WAIT in for this week. 
(CANT WAIT -44.5) 
-FaNasty News