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October 11, 2011

What has caused The Tea Party, a group of racists, to rally around a Black man?

At only 32 years old, I do not have that much experience in politics.  I have only been old enough to vote in 2 elections.  I do however, pay attention to trends and patterns.  The most amazing phenomena that I am seeing right now is the chaos in the Republican Party.  No matter how misguided they are, the GOP always stands united against the Democrats.  But with the emergence of the Tea Party, this is the first time I have seen the GOP is such disarray.  Herman Cain represents the culmination of this confusion.

The Tea Baggers are like a overweight, single mothers that fall in love with anyone that says she is pretty.  Think about the last 6 months.  First, they fell for Donald Trump and quickly realized that he was a self righteous asshole.  Then they had Mitt Romney, but he was too liberal and a Mormon and from Massachusetts.  Then Michelle Bachmann stole their hearts, but it turned out that she was even more stupid than Sarah Palin.  After the new wore off of Bachmann, the Ravishing Rick Perry stormed the scene.  The Tea Party was as giddy as a 15 year old girl who got invited to prom by a senior guy.  He had everything; a handsome face, thick dark hair, and full blown retardation.  The Tea Party had learned their lesson with our last special needs leader, so Perry got dumped.  With Chris Christie definitively stating he will not enter the race, the GOP got jungle fever.  Enter Herman Cain, a conservative Black Republican.  Oh, how his ancestors must be rolling over in their graves right now.

How Do You Explain a Group of Racists Rallying Around a Black Man?

There are three theories:

1. Being Black is Cool Again.

2. You Aren’t a Racist if You have a Black Friend.

3. The Tea Party is so racist that they think that Black voters will not recognize the difference between Obama and Cain and vote the wrong way.

Is Being Black Cool Again?

Remember in the 1990s when gangsta rap took over the airwaves?  Snoop, Master P, Dr. Dre, 2Pac, and Biggie were suburban white kids’ role models.  I grew up in a suburb of Atlanta and all the teenagers sagged their pants, wore ear rings, and had loud bass in their cars.  I’m talking about college bound, middle class white kids, from white collar families - Not those scummy white trash kids from Iowa that od on oxycontin.  My dad would get so mad at us for listening to rap and using hip hop words.  But we thought that we were cool.  This is the first theory of Herman Cain’s popularity.

Maybe Obama’s landslide victory over McCain taught the GOP something.  Maybe it taught them that being Black is trendy and they need to get on the Black band wagon.  There may be something to this "diversity thing."  I think that this theory would be viable were it not for the blatant racism of most Tea Baggers.

 You can’t be a Racist if you have Black friends.

This is true.  Is Bush Jr. a racist? No, because he let Colin Powell work for him.  Is Michael Richards a racist?  No, because he always hired that Black lawyer named Jackie on Seinfeld.  Do you see where I’m going?  If you can point to any example of when you have treated a Black person the same way you would treat a White person, you are not a racist.  For example, if you are a White woman that has a Black co-worker and you leave your purse around him unattended, you are not a racist.  This is the appeal that Herman Cain has to Tea Party voters. 

Imagine getting ready for your big Tea Party rally.  You stayed up all night drinking PBRs and cleaning your AR-15 because you were too excited to sleep.  Finally morning comes and put on your Rebel flag t-shirt, your “Don’t Tread on Me!” belt, and grab your homemade poster of Obama in a tree eating a banana.  At this point, you may come across as a little bit racist.  But then Herman Cain swoops to your rescue.  As you are filling up you Ford Expedition and someone suggests you are a racist, you can boldly reply, “I am not a racist, I’m voting for Herman Cain!”  In fact, you can use the Herman Cain defense for years to come.  Too bad Mark Furman couldn't use the Herman Cain Defense.

Could the Tea Party Zealots be so racist and stupid that they think Herman Cain will pass for Barack Obama to Black voters?

Yes.  I think that this theory best explains the rise of Herman Cain.  The Tea Party believes that the Republicans didn’t lose the last election because of 8 years of mediocre policy, but instead because of the Black voters, the liberal media, and ACORN.  Their newest plot to win in 2012 is to get the Black vote.  Who better to do this than Herman Cain?  To my educated readers, this must sound preposterous.  But you have to enter the psyche of the Tea Party voter.

If you saw the world through Tea Party goggles, everything is so much simpler.  Science is not real, liberals are the cause of all problems, and all Black people look the same.  Using this rationale, it is genius to run a Black man on the GOP ticket.  The Black voters would not be able to tell the difference between Cain and Obama and at least half would pick the wrong one, giving the GOP the votes necessary to win in 2012.  If that isn’t a winning strategy, then I don’t know what is.

Note:  This article is not intended as an insult to Herman Cain.  It is an insult to the Tea Party.