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March 03, 2015

it's time for lent, so it's good bye to being African American.

lil wayne.jpg

Ahhhh, Lent! Lent is upon us! Yes that glorious time of year where we all give up something we hold dear to us in celebration of Easter.Some people fast, some people sacrifice, others do a mix of both. Two years ago I gave up eating fast food for lent and it was great! My health improved and I also became a better cook. The next year I gave up video games, very difficult to do, but hey! I got a lot of work done! Now it’s 2015 and it’s time to sacrifice something dear again, so this year, I’ll be giving up being black for Lent.

I love being an African American! I love it so much that I’ve decided to give it up completely. Now since I will be giving up being black, I will look drastically different. I’ll be emptying out my wardrobe of sweaters, shirts, skinny/slim fit jeans, beanies, low top shoes and more, switching it out for things that I don’t wear a lot. Expect to see me in cardigans,graphic T-shirts, turtlenecks, and possibly a few suite and ties. I will also be getting a new haircut, goodbye curly black hair, hello Blonde mo hawk. To complete my transformation, I will undergo an operation to remove most of the melanin from my skin, giving me a pale, deathly appearance. Don’t be scared by my new look! I’ll still be the same David you all know and love, I’ll just resemble what some would describe as: a humanoid monster.

Since I’ll be giving up being black, unfortunately I’ll have to give up doing some of my favorite things. so until Easter, no more watching reruns of my favorite shows like Futurama, GIRLS, and even law and order: SVU. Those were shows I watched when I was black, and since I won’t be black for a while, they’ve gots to go. Also, no more social media! Goodbye Instagram, vine, Facebook, and twitter, I’ll miss using you to connect with friends and family. However, connecting with people was something I did when I was black, and since I won’t be black again until Easter, I won’t be doing it anymore. Speaking of connecting with people, I will also be going “off the grid”. No more using my cell phone, laptop, or really, anything that will let people know that I exist. Being “on the grid”was something I did when I was black and since I won’t be black anymore…you get the idea. If you need to contact me, I’ve trained a few carrier pigeons, come by this week to pick one up.

Finally, since I won’t be African American for lent, no more doing black stuff. I won’t be doing things that I normally like to do because that’s something the black version of me does. No talking to people I like, No finishing the “Grand Budapest Hotel”, long form improv…I won’t be doing a lot of stuff. But hey, there’s a lot of stuff I DIDN’T do when I was black. I never drank a red bull while I was black, so that’ll be a fun experience! Never have I ever had sex! Guys, I could have sex while I’m not black! But I won’t use a condom. This one time, I put on a condom while I was black, and I’m not fuckin with that black shit during lent.

I think that everything I’ve done up to this point encompasses my identity as a black person. My behavior and lifestyle might not be stereotypical, but since I’ve identified as a black person since I was born, I think that they’re valid to the black experience (or at least mine). Again, I love my race! It’s great! But I’ll be locking it away and becoming a completely different person for Lent. I have no idea how this year’s sacrifice could benefit me. But hey, let’s just not think about this too much.


See y'all in 40 Days!