Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 05, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A judge ordered that Jerry Sandusky’s alleged victims will have to use their real names in court. Joe Paterno couldn't be reached for comment.

Rebels are abandoning the United Nations' peace plan for Syria. They're even starting to team up with Ewoks.

George Zimmerman has been ordered back to jail after a judge found out he failed to disclose that his website received $135,000 from supporters. In related news, Lance Armstrong has decided to start killing unarmed black kids.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg is supporting New York State's plan to make marijuana possession a $100 fine instead of a misdemeanor. So about the same as smoking a cigarette in a park while drinking a 20 ounce soda.

Google will be introducing a new service for small businesses. It's called Just Let Google Buy You.

A representative for Kelly Osbourne dismissed rumors that she's engaged. Especially because marriage would really limit any upcoming sex tape scandal career possibilities.

Facebook is testing a new social network geared towards children under 13. However, detractors question if they will want more imaginary friends at that age.

Spike Lee will be directing Mike Tyson's one-man show on Broadway. Spike Lee says he knows as much about directing theater as Mike Tyson does anything mentioned in that sentence.

Republicans are attempting to avert an 8 percent cut in the Pentagon's budget once backed by Republican party leaders. Sounds like those liberal Republicans are at it again, ay conservative Republicans?

A Dutch artist stuffed his cat and put propellers on its paws after the cat was killed by a car. The work is called, "A Little Too Late."

More Americans say they're politically independent than in the last 75 years, according to a new poll. A great way to say you're deeply in debt.

Jury selection has begun for a case featuring Kevin Costner defending himself against Stephen Baldwin. Bad news for Costner considering what happened to the last person who tried to defend himself from Baldwin, a transvestite.