U CAN WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK!
So you want to write a children's book?
I think that you can, too!
In fact my most favorite candidate to write a book is YOU!
You don't have to be a genius.
Not Dr. Seuss, not Roald Dahl. Not even a Madonna.
You can just be you!
Just like the "Tiger Mom" or "Go the F--- To Sleep" guy,
you can be a children's author, even if you don't try!
Here's a few tricks of the trade, I learned way back in school!
Same old place I learned bout the bells of Paul Revere. Good old Alaska U!
Set up a rhyming scheme.
Set up a rhyming dream.
It doesn't matter if you break it,
Because all children are dumb!
Pile on the fake praise! Goad those kids a lot!
Emphasize with caps lock!
TELL THOSE KIDS THEY'VE GOT A SHOT!
It doesn't even have to be a work of your own effort!
Take somebody else's book, pass it off as your own word!
It's been done a million times, but no one gives a care!
It's easy to fool any mook who doesn't yet have body hair.
Throw in some mumbo jumbo 'bout equality among the races
Your publisher won't care if it moves a bit and buys his kids their braces.
The best part is the ROYALTIES!
Oh my freaking God!
I'm getting 15 million a page!
Every time you buy a copy, I get a new bidet!
I wrote half of this book naked!
I wake up each day at noon!
I only eat Doritos!
Don't you wish that this was you?
Why'd I write this book, you ask?
Childhood issues? No. Suppressed memories? Nope.
Self-esteem troubles? No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Shut up!
Look guys, it ain't nothing but a thing. Long story short I had forty-five minutes to kill and a bit too much peyote in my coffee.
Plus, the girl I'm trying to pork has a three year old nephew.
.... MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU CAN TOO!