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Published June 05, 2011 More Info »
  U CAN WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK! So you want to write a children's book? I think that you can, too! In fact my most favorite candidate to write a book is YOU! You don't have to be a genius.  Not Dr. Seuss, not Roald Dahl. Not even a Madonna.  You can just be you!  Just like the "Tiger Mom" or "Go the F---  To Sleep" guy,  you can be a children's author, even if you don't try! Here's a few tricks of the trade, I learned way back in school! Same old place I learned bout the bells of Paul Revere. Good old Alaska U!  Set up a rhyming scheme.  Set up a rhyming dream. It doesn't matter if you break it,  Because all children are dumb!  Pile on the fake praise! Goad those kids a lot! Emphasize with caps lock!  TELL THOSE KIDS THEY'VE GOT A SHOT!  It doesn't even have to be a work of your own effort! Take somebody else's book, pass it off as your own word!  It's been done a million times, but no one gives a care!  It's easy to fool any mook who doesn't yet have body hair.  Throw in some mumbo jumbo 'bout equality among the races Your publisher won't care if it moves a bit and buys his kids their braces.  The best part is the ROYALTIES! Oh my freaking God! I'm getting 15 million a page! Every time you buy a copy, I get a new bidet!  I wrote half of this book naked! I wake up each day at noon! I only eat Doritos! Don't you wish that this was you?  Why'd I write this book, you ask?  Childhood issues? No. Suppressed memories? Nope. Self-esteem troubles? No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Shut up!  Look guys, it ain't nothing but a thing. Long story short I had forty-five minutes to kill and a bit too much peyote in my coffee.  Plus, the girl I'm trying to pork has a three  year old nephew.  .... MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU CAN TOO!    @TheMichaelLake  
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