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March 17, 2016

I have no idea what do ask a Doula.

Let’s get right to it. My wife is pregnant. With a baby. For those who don’t know, please consider this the official announcement. Clearly this is how we envisioned it telling the world. For those curious, my wife’s a delight and is doing great. It’s our first kid — I HOPE IT IS A MALE CHILD BUT WHO KNOWS WE’RE LOOKING AT A 50/50 SITCH HERE — so while we’re planning as much as we can, we (me) really don’t know what we’re doing.

enter… a doula

For those that don’t know what a doula is, here’s a screenshot i just took


The problem is that I have no idea what do ask a Doula. We’re meeting with her tonight. So like any good expecting parent, i asked a room full of comedy writers to tell me what to ask her. Here’s what they suggested. My thoughts are in bold.

-How old are you?

-How often do you wash your hands? This is a good question.

-How many births have you seen? Good question.

-Where do you see yourself in 9 months? This is a good joke

-How long have you been doing this? Similar to the births

-What’s like, your worst case scenario? i should open with this question

-Can I call you Kareem Ab-Doula Jabar?Good question.

-What’s the cutest baby you’ve ever seen? Trick question. She’s not allowed to look at the babies.

-Do you have any tips for not passing out?I need this info. Real bad.

-Do you think if I tried hard enough I could ever dunk a basketball? What am I looking for, a doula or a best friend?

-Have you ever felt grossed out while witnessing a birth? GREAT question.

-Are you pro-choice? Oof not the time but yes i should ask this

-Should babies hug? “should”

-How should I hug my baby? Good question.

-Is it a good idea to always be in a kiddie pool? This can scale to not just births but also life in general

-Do dads hurt themselves worrying? Good question.

-Are you an organ donor?

That’s it! Thanks everyone! I can’t imagine this will go poorly!