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April 07, 2009


Hello Internet! 
How are my electronic campers today??
Bessie Love is feeling a little 'under the weather' (wink!) so I'll be filling in for her on the ol' blog-o-sphere today.
Oh my..
Where are my manners??   Let me introduce myself.

I'm Bessie Love's personal assistant, Marjorie (aka the luckiest!). I first met Bessie Love five years ago in a truck stop restroom.  She needed to borrow a hanger, I happened to have one in my double wide, and the rest is history!  We've been pretty much like bread and butter ever since.  :)
I guess I would be the bread.  The plain, boring, tasteless, ugly, stupid, fat bread.  And Bessie Love is the the delicious, creamy, smooth, silky, lubed-up-melt-all-over-your-face-until-you-have-to-lick-it-up-off-the-floor-with-your-tongue-because-it-tastes-so-damn-good butter.

Anyways, this is kind of a fun opportunity for me!  I don't normally get to 'talk' to people.  Bessie Love keeps me on a short leash you know?  Seen and not heard, she calls it.  But I'm sure you all are dying for a little peek behind the scenes, am I right?

So I thought I'd share with you all:  An average day in the life of Marjorie Whittles, Personal Assistant to Bessie Love.

Here goes!

4am - Pick up Bessie Love wherever her adventures have taken her..  Man, this is one of my favorite things..  I never know where I'm gonna end up!  I feel like Jack Bauer sometimes.  Especially when I have to drive down to the LA River.  I like to pretend the homeless guys are Russian spies!

8am - Book Bessie Love's appointments for the day.  I don't want to give away any secrets here, but Bessie Love always likes to look her best!  She would never be caught dead appearing without her black beehive, press-on nails, or tidy beaver! 

12 noon - Usually around this time I head down to the courthouse to check on the restraining orders.  Some are for Bessie Love (like for that guy Pablo who made her cry and made blood come out her ears!!!), and some are huge mistakes that I have to try and sort out.  Sigh.  I just don't know why the judge doesn't understand why Bessie Love can't come in person, that she certainly does NOT have a warrant out for her arrest, or that sometimes people just make mistakes.

2pm - LUNCH!

4pm -  Bessie Love is normally starting to rise and shine at this point, and she likes me to greet her in the morning with a cool compress, half a diet coke, and some blue pills.

6pm - This is my favorite part of the day!  Bessie Love gets really playful in the afternoon, and she generally isn't fussy anymore..  Sometimes I let her climb up on my lap, or we play dress up in the closet.  Her favorite outfit is "zombie hooker".

8pm - 11pm - This is Bessie's time to just unwind before hitting the town.  She likes me to read US Weekly to her in the bath, and she lets me apply all her creams and lotions.  (Aldara and Zovirax are just a couple of her secrets for looking her best... Shhhhh!!!)

1am - Cartoons and bedtime.

Well, there you have it!!
I hope you enjoyed experiencing one of my days as much as I enjoy living them!
Hopefully Bessie Love will be feeling well enough to blog herself tomorrow, because I'm just a stupid fat idiot who does everything wrong.

Blessings and harmony,