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February 02, 2016
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The winners, the losers, the coin tosses, and the "what is a caucus" of the Iowa Caucus.

Happy Groundhogs Day! We’ve woken up to a world where Donald Trump did not win the Iowa Caucus. But Ted Cruz did. And Hillary says she did, while Bernie is like, “no it’s a tie!” and also our country uses coin tosses as a legal way to decide the winner. USA! USA!

Let’s back up. Here’s what happened last night.

Republicans have it figured out and just ask people to vote for the candidate of their choice. That makes sense. That is simple. That is straightforward.

Dems, on the other hand, are that kid in school who, after the teacher gives perfectly clear instructions, is like, “wait wouldn’t it make more sense if we did it this way….” and presents some illogical and complicated method and the teacher, who is tired and just wants the day to be over so they can go home and watch Netflix is like “sure whatever, do what that kid says."And now everyone is fucked because of the Dems. Good job, Dems.

Basically, Democratic caucusing is like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo, where candidates try to gather as many caucusgoers in their corner, until they have at least 15% of the total amount of voters in the room. Here is a video that also uses a nostalgic toy from our youth to butter us up to the idea of adulthood and political engagement.

And then there were none.

Just kidding. There are like 5 people who still matter, which is a great improvement from a few months ago when we had approximately 263 potential 45th Presidents. But before we get to the winners let’s bid adieu to Martin O'Malley, the Marylander with the dad abs of our dreams and Mike Huckabee, who is silently weeping with over his bass guitar. They both dropped out of the race

Okay and now to the winners, who really are just losers that get to hang around longer.

  • Ted Cruz, who wears two watches, won the Republican caucus.
  • Donald Trump came in second place, but more importantly did not come in first place.
  • Riding on Trump’s fools gold coattails was Marco Rubio.
  • Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had a virtual tie. Clinton ahead with a 0.2% lead.

In some of the precincts where there was a tie between Sanders and Clinton, a democratic and somehow legal coin toss was used to determine the delegate they’d send forward. Out of the six precincts where this happened, all six coin tosses favored Hillary. It’s a small nod to our monarchal ancestors, who, too, used symbolic nonsense to “elect” a predetermined ruler!

Now everyone goes home.

Well, they go home for about a day and then they’re back on the road headed to New Hampshire where we get to do all of this all over again. Get your coins ready, boys!

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