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December 17, 2012

In a recent interview, a shaken Daniel Radcliffe overcompensates his paranoia that people might still actually care about him. However, they don't.

LONDON-Daniel J. Radcliffe, star of the Harry Potter movie series based on the books of the same name, has recently come out and denied any and all non-existent rumors that he is madly in love with his much more attractive and talented costar, Emma Watson, at a recent holiday reunion.


Most people are unaware Radcliffe was very close in securing the role of Mo in this year's remake The Three Stooges. It was a flop. 

The 23 year old bachelor, who has led the movie franchise to gross over 7 billion dollars, has recently spoken on the topic of his female costar, who portrays Hermione Granger in the series, at a charity function they all attended, the Festival of Carols at Christmas. There, the trio was to make an appearance and answer a few questions from children who live at a local orphanage.

When unprompted by nobody, Daniel decided to take a firm stance on the issue-not-at-hand, being quoted “I absolutely do not have any feelings, whatsoever, for Emma. She’s just a friend.”

Fans of the Potter series everywhere seemed to be stunned, not because Daniel is opposed to the idea that he might fancy Miss Watson, but more or less that he is even commenting on topic nobody even considered.

I never, in a zillion years thought Harry loved Hermione – I mean Dan loved Emma.” said Tommy Dinkledorf, a confused geeky bowl cutted 5th grade orphan wearing an oversized graduation gown to make it look like he was a wizard, who had originally asked Radcliffe what he might be asking Santa for Christmas this year.


Dinkledorf, pictured above, still believes that he will recieve his Hogwarts admittance letter when he turns 11, saving him from his "miserable orphanage."

In the recent appearance made by trio, our heroes Harry, Ron and Hermione, respectively played by Dan, Rupert Grint and Emma, were also asked to reflect back on the last decade and how it has affected them.

It’s been absolutely magical.” comments Emma, carrying a ridiculously cute smile subserving her terrible pun.

Wicked fun.” says the soft spoken ginger, Rupert.

I’ve had enough of these lies. I am NOT in love with Emma. She’s like a sister to me, everybody. A man cannot love his sister?!” comments a flustered Daniel into the microphone, before accidentally knocking it of its stand, in turn making the rest of the conducted Q&A session have a terrible humming of feedback.

After an excruciatingly awkward silence not even a casted spell could fix, interviewers switched topics by asking Daniel about his time on Broadway, portraying the lead character, a boy who suffers from a sexual fascination with his horse, in the play Equus.

It was really a challenge for me, as an actor, of course. I had to imagine that I was in love with a horse. Isn’t that mad? I mean, I’m a professional, I don’t fall in love with my coworkers” responded Radcliffe, neglecting the fact that it was just a prop horse with him onstage, and not actually a person, let alone a “coworker.”


Pictured Above: Gay

“It was a white horse, so I used some of my acting techniques and just imagined that the horse had brown hair while onstage. Long, bushy brown hair… always tangled but somehow manages to fall perfectly in place… And brown eyes too. I liked to think that this horse was exceptionally smart and talented… That this horse had been acting since it was young, handling the pressures of growing up on film, I mean onstage.. Maybe even this girl, I mean horse, could like me back, even though we were only costars.” – at this, Daniel had to wipe the drool from his chin.

Although the interview was conducted in the morning, it becomes very apparent that it has just become Midnight for Daniel. Emma uncomfortably crosses her legs.

I know what you’re all thinking, but you’re wrong!” bellows Daniel at the audience full of confused children as he snaps out of his trance.

I have not been thinking, hoping, wishing, fuck, dreaming of having sex with Emma and her perfectly sweet, delicious bum and perky tits since the first day I saw her, when we were eleven!”

Emma shuns towards the floor, looking embarrassed, as if it could possibly be her fault.

C’mon bud, why don’t you take a seat” Rupert compassionately whispers to Dan while gently patting his back and sitting him down, an image reminiscent to the way Ron would help out Harry in a time of need.

At this point, the interview is forwarded along to the last of the audience questions, in a not so subtle effort to hurry up and finish it.

Nancy McMaster, an adorable 12 year old sporting Potter-like glasses excitedly asks Rupert in just an absolutely horrid British accent “My favourite part still was the kiss. You know, between Ron and Hermione? Any chance you two run into each other under a mistletoe this year?”

Big mistake, Nancy.

Rupert, now at the mic, smiles, glances over to Emma and answers “Well Nancy, Emma and I have been great friends for years. That part was just acting. We knew eventually we’d have to“ - Rupert doesn’t get a chance to finish his thought, as he is blindsighted in the back of the head by a wild haymaker from Daniel.

Some of the children in the front row are hit with Rupert's blood, while Dan storms off stage, stopping only once, as he passes Emma to let a single tear fall from his face.

No word from Daniel or his publicist on the matter since, but only a few hours after the interview Daniel took to his personal Twitter account and tweeted “FUCK ALL REDHEADS! RW SUCKS DADDY COCKS!”

Screen_shot_2012-12-17_at_6.48.21_PM.pngTwitter followers react to Radcliffe's rather vulgar tweet clearly directed at Ron Weasly actor, Rupert Grint

In the post-interview interview, Rupert seemed to downplay the incident, claiming “Eh, Dan’s just a little stressed out. He misses being Harry. He’s still me mate.” while still bleeding from the back of his skull, ruining his much too tightly fitted ringer-tee he had changed into for no apparent reason.

Reporters eventually caught up with Emma, to hear her take on the incident.

So I gave the bloke a handjob once on the set of "Azkaban." He needs to get over it and move on like the rest of the world.”


"Bitch, please."