Famous actor-or-something Lindsay Lohan was charged with felony grand theft on Wednesday for stealing a necklace from a jewelry store. The jeweler alleges that Lohan walked out wearing the necklace, which is being valued at $2500. Lohan denied these claims (after asking a police officer for a bump of blow) by saying, “Why would I steal this necklace I have on right now? It’s worth less than what I pay for tampons… And why am I so sober?”
As it turns out, Lohan has a long history of theft, though none of it was ever performed without the influence of booze, coke, diet pills, Adderall, speed, ecstasy, and nasal spray (combined). Somehow this lethal combination of substances enabled her to steer clear of authorities time after time, which is especially impressive considering how often she makes her getaways without pants on. Since her most recent felony, the following photographs have surfaced chronicling some of Lohan’s other notable heists.
While robbing a bank in Sao Paulo, Lohan reportedly shouted at the tellers, “Everybody puts your hands up. This is a Parent Trap.” The cash bag she’s seen escaping with is mostly full of her own vomit.
Having two accomplices helped when stealing a new BMW off the lot, but her cohorts never got a chance to feel that leather steering wheel.
Lohan stole a new pair of underwear from the department store seen in the background. Unfortunately, after putting them on she left her pants behind. Moments after this photo was taken she detonated a charge that incinerated the entire store.
Yes, Lindsay Lohan killed an entire congregation for the contents of the church money box.
Though Lohan’s lair is perpetually filled with stolen and illegal goods, for some reason the police never notice when boobing her home for evidence.
My name is t.j. and I think that if Lindsay Lohan is Bonnie, then Charlie Sheen is Clyde.