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February 28, 2009


I'm recording my debut album tonight and already I've got the butterflies. This is the third time I've done it, so it shouldn't be a big deal. The last two recordings never made it to album, with this one I have a contract in place. I just don't want to let anybody down, especially myself. I know I won't, because if I do I'll throw myself under a car after. After I shoot myself. Nobody wants that. Thing is, the last recording I thought was great. But when I signed with Comedy Central they wanted to do it again with a bigger crowd. What, the ball pit at Chuckie Cheese isn't loud enough? Those kids were dying! And nothing's louder than the laughter of children. Nothing!
I'm trying to listen to the old recording today, but I hate it. I mean, I don't hate the recording, I hate listening to myself. A lot of comics are smart and record all their sets to listen to them later and get better. Me, I can't sit through a set by myself. When I headlined in Houston early last year, they recorded all of my sets and gave me a stack of CDs at the end of the week. "Awesome," I thought, "now I have no excuse!" I went home, listened to three minutes of the first one, and promptly threw them all in the closet. Can't do it. But today I'm forcing myself. In fact, it's playing as I write this. "Shut up, asshole," I keep thinking.

Self-promotion is only something I'm good at in crowded bars. "What?" (said loudly to no one), "Oh, yes, I do work with orphans. Oh, hello." Online and with the press I hate it. The Improv's been great, letting me get in a ton of people free and posting a way to get free tickets on their site. But sending out the invites made me cringe a little. "Hey, wanna come watch me and laugh at me and help me make a record. Me!!!!!!!!!!" Even for an only child, it's a bit much.

But pssshaw! I like going to my friends' CD recording shows. Well, shows period. I should just, like Bill Hicks used to say, "Enjoy the ride." No reason not to. See you tonight or not or maybe never. In any case, rock it.