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April 06, 2011

A quick rant about his films

A friend of mine is gonna let me borrow Devil, the latest M. Night Shyamalan film, and I’m gonna review it. As you may already know, I despise M. Night Shitface, and all his horrid films, he is a one-trick pony. Despite the quality of his work and its reception by major film critics, Shyamalan was still an undisputed box office king, and got to do pretty much whatever he wanted. Apparently, what he wanted most was to make a series of movies that sucks worse than the Twilight series. So, to preface this upcoming review, I want to touch back on the filth he’s bestowed on us before.

1.) The Sixth Sense- is a 1999 psychological thriller about a kid who can see dead people. There are so many reasons to dislike The Sixth Sense, it’s hard to keep them all straight. The Sixth Sense has been praised for its “pacing,” when in fact it is just plain dull. Haley Joel stares at Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis stares at Toni Colette. Toni Colette stares at Haley Joel. this is wasting my fucking time.

Nothing the movie tells us turns out to be true: when Haley Joel finally does come out with the fact that he sees dead people “everywhere, all the time,” this isn‘t true, he sees about 6 or 7 dead people the whole movie. And Bruce Willis, he’s supposed to be playing this awesome child psychologist, acts as if he’s never spoken to a kid in his life. He seems to win Haley Joel’s trust by hanging around and staring at him while he plays with toys. And when Willis finally does believe the kid, it violates the very premise of the movie. Haley Joel is supposed to be the only person who can see or hear ghosts. Bruce Willis doesn’t realize he’s dead and can’t hear or see ghosts. And yet Bruce Willis is able to hear a ghost that has been recorded on a cassette tape? Does this cassette recorder have the Sixth Sense too? Or maybe, since Willis has to turn the volume up to 10 (or all the way to 11, lol) before he can hear the ghost ,are dead people just very, very quiet?

By the time we get the “Oh My God I’m Already Dead” look from Willis, I’m ready to leave the damn theater. Keep in mind, we’re meant to be so blown away that we don’t consider the fucking problems this surprise causes:

1.) Haley Joel should have seen Willis for what he was: a dead guy.

2.) Even if Haley Joel was fooled into thinking Willis was alive, he probably would have talked to someone about the therapist who was following him around everywhere he went.

3.) The ending is the reason for the movie. The movie could have been twenty minutes long, So M. Night Shyamalan had to fill up an hour and a half of film with staring, highlighting, and dead people, just so he could pull the old “But he’s already dead” trick on us.

2.) Unbreakable - a 2000 superhero drama with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson is an artist and a comic book-obsessed man with a rare disease which his bones break easily.

Willis is a guy who apparently can’t die. The two of them seem to be linked by a curve, but sitting on opposite ends (which is something Jackson keeps repeating). Everything hints to comic book classic arch-enemies, which seems to be the fantasy of Jackson. The entire premise would cool as shit, had they sped the process along. Instead it moves like a line at the DMV. There is then the twist, Jackson is the villain. If this review seems short or lacking, it’s because the movie was slow as shit and has nothing really to comment about.

3.) Signs - a 2002 science fiction film staring Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. This movie taught me that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fucking basement.

4.) The Village - a 2004 film again with a steaming pile of Joaquin Phoenix. The trailers tried so hard to make you believe that it was a horror movie dealing with these animal like creatures in the local woods. But it’s not. What it is, is set in Pennsylvania in 1897, the story of the small village, population like 50 people, surrounded by a woods inhabited by a race of "mythical creatures," and a young man (good ol’ “I’m Still Here” Joaquin) who questions the policy of keeping the village’s citizens completely confined to the village.

Joaquin Phoenix sucks with his awful whispering throughout this whole flick. The wrong brother died and we are all suffering for it. Anyone with a silent J at the beginning of his name should have hot coffee thrown at them. Even better than Joaquin, Adrian Brody plays a laughable retard.

Anyway, they don’t leave the village because of these “creatures”. but of course, there is an over-achiever that has to know what lies beyond his village. Retard Brody stabs Joaquin, so the blind daughter of the chief Elder, against the wishes of the other Elders, goes through the forest to seek out medicine for ol’ hare-lip-face. We then find out the first part of the twist: the “creatures” were created by the Elders to scare the children from the woods in an attempt to keep them from leaving the village. Then the blind whiny bitch comes across a park ranger and oh! It’s modern times!

The whole film feels like M. Night Shitsandwich envision this awesome twist ending and was trying to fill in plot to get to this ending. The Village would have been better if it was a half hour episode of the Twilight Zone.