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July 21, 2015

GOP Candidate Declares ACA, Iran Deal to Blame for Preventable Demise of Vibrant Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Republican candidate and Obamacare recipient Ted Cruz doubled down on his party’s condemnation of the Affordable Care Act, holding a press conference over the deathbed of Theodore Bikel. The beloved, multifaceted entertainer succumbed to being 91 yesterday afternoon.The late Bikel had been taken from the deathbed, but Cruz and his aides were able to remove it for the photo op, even getting it down a dodgy flight of stairs and around a narrow corner while no one was looking.

“As if the president’s lackadaisical attitude to Israel’s security weren’t impeachable enough,” Cruz stated, “now his health care policies have snuffed another light from the world, and hours before Jesus had any say in the matter at all.”

Some critics scorned Cruz, not only for the timing of his remarks, but also for not seeming to know that Bikel was famously Jewish. But the condemnation didn’t end there.

“What I object to most is the word ‘lackadaisical,’” said Georgetown professor Michael Eric Dyson. “That’s nothing more than a code word,a dog whistle if you will, used by the white power structure to denigrate the ethics of ‘the other,’ specifically young men of color through centuries of oppression, aggression, regression, suppression, transgression, obsession, bull session, digression,German Hessian,” eventually stating a few hours later that he would not be voting for Ted Cruz but loves Dr. Seuss, a fellow PhD.

“All I know today, my friends,” Cruz continued to a crowd with suddenly low expectations, “is that Iran is laughing today. They’re happy that Obama has basically strangled Theodore Bikel in his sleep. He has shot Moe Green through the eye.”

The reference was to actor Alex Rocco, most famous for his appearance in The Godfather Part II, who died this week at age 79.

Thanks to Obamacare and the nuclear deal, Cruz contended,none of our cultural icons are safe from harm.

“I’m scared for Abe Vigoda. I’m scared for Olivia de Havilland. I have mixed feelings about Jim Belushi.”

The White House had no comment, instead expressing condolences over the loss of Bikel and stating that Rocco should not have taken sides against the family.

Some Cruz opponents did react negatively online. “The closest Ted Cruz ever got to Ted Bikel was fiddling while America burns,” said senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders in a tweet. Hillary Clinton seemed to be looking for answers.

“Where exactly had this guy been fiddling around? It wasn’t Benghazi, was it?” she asked in an email to strategist Mark Penn. Apparently the email was intended for deletion but was accidentally leaked.

She closed the purloined missive with the words, “Pls print.”

Everyone thought that was kind of weird, and Lindsay Graham has promised an investigation.