Greetings star children, please take a knee. Welcome to LaserBlast, the ultimate laser tag experience! They call me “Bishop” and I hold the rank of Marshal and Magistrate of Diode Brigade Delta. Firstly, I’d like to wish a happy twelfth birthday to Timothy; you’ve made the right choice by celebrating your day of birth on the court of champions! And while it may be Timothy’s special day, you’re all about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. And unless you’d like that lifetime to end before you reach high school, it’s best to heed some simple safety protocol.
The “maze,” as we call it, is a vortex of blackness occupying eight-thousand square earth feet. It is a simulated environment closely modeled on the small moon colony of Ganymede, which you’re probably not familiar with. There are clearly marked exit doors on the perimeter walls should your feeble lungs require the taste of fresh, sweet air.
You are stepping into a new dimension of fear and pain if your safety attire isn’t properly secured. The combination of protective headgear, arm, and knee pads, along with this tightly worsted industrial carpet that we’re all currently sitting Indian-style on should keep you safe from harm’s way. But do not underestimate the maze! Blind alleys, dead ends, cul-de-sacs, untied shoelaces; I’ve received more than my fair share of bruised shoulders and egos after doing battle with many a cunning duelist in this arena. This isn’t child’s play, my sweet Timothy.
Your sensor must be properly displayed at all times during the blitzkrieg. Any attempt to shield, mask, cover or remove the triple A batteries from this device will be met with swift dishonorable discharge from the playing field, as well as a lifelong black mark on your soul that will slowly erode your heart.
Besides your mind, the Bandit X4786 phaser by NERF is the most dangerous weapon you’ll be using today. This beautifully constructed piece of machinery features a fibreglass chamber that emits a narrow-angle infrared beam of destruction enough to immobilize even the most doggedly bloodthirsty of opponents. Hit a moving target up to ten feet away without breaking a sweat, and hopefully live to tell your comrades. But do make sure it is properly holstered with the safety off when you’re not aiming to destroy your opponent. Do not aim your weapon unless you intend to use it. Please do not shoot at bystanders or parents in the waiting area, as they may become agitated.
Laser tag is not a morality play. It is unforgiving mental and physical challenge, much like life’s harshest realities. But it is also a handmaiden generous with her gifts; the satisfaction of clashing foes, the finishing of hard-fought crusades, the good times had by all.
Star children, the fate of the game - neigh! - the fate of intergalactic peace rests in your hands. Make Timothy proud to call you his band of brothers; remember, no one likes a mooga! After the hearty battle we shall partake of the spoils in the refreshments area and the reciting of “Happy Birthday.” Please make sure to sign your permission slips as LaserBlast is not responsible if your body incinerates to due excessive exposure to these high-powered laser beams. Take heed and take aim!