Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
2 cents
0 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
50 Views
Published September 01, 2013

Given America's love affair with and Hollywood and movies "based on true events" over fact filled documentaries I have devised THE PIECE DE LA RESISTANCE for the fracking industry. Gasland Reboot.

TITLE: Tolerable Cruelty

Writer/Director: Steven Spielberg

CAST:

Tom Hanks as Hom Tanks- Hard working, super-lovable "Billy Everyday" type you would murder your mother for.

Meryl Streep as Gladys S. Tanks- Harder working, equally lovable, well intended "Jane Everywoman" you would punch your girlfriend for.

Steve Carell as Stephen Colbert (pronounced as it's spelled)- Widowed, excessively nice, charming, single father with a heart of gold returning to his home town looking for a break.

Leonardo Dicaprio as Luke Whistler- Hard working poor guy you think deserves to have everything he could dream of after a series of selfless acts.

Morgan Freeman as Daryl Downer- Guy with stoic on-screen presence and Godlike tone that you know has something really bad coming so a lesson can be learned by another character.

Bradley Cooper as Hank Reporter- Well meaning cub reporter with the ethics Edward R. Murrow and the eyes of Anderson Cooper.

Dave Chappelle as Donald the photographer- Photographer with inspirational back story to inspire another character. 

Mike "The Situation" WhateverHisLastNameIs- CEO of Zimmerman-Madoff Industries

Donald Trump- CFO of Zimmerman-Madoff Industries proud father of genetically engineered super douche

Spencer WhateverHisLastNameIs- Genetically engineered super douche

Heid WhateverHisLastNameIs- Wife to Spencer WhateverHisLastNameIs and mistress to all male employees of Zimmerman-Madoff Industries.

Snooki and BRAVO Real Housewives- Zimmerman-Madoff Industries secretaries addicted to VD. 

ManBearPig as ManBearPig- Half man, half bear, half pig. He roams the earth attacking humans for no reason at all.

PLOT: A small town couple Hom & Gladys Tanks residing in Main Street 'Merikuh has just retired after decades of working in a not so glamourous but highly respectable industry of public service. The town is invaded by a deplorable fracking corporation named "Zimmerman-Madoff Industries." The couple begins seeing their faucets catch fire and health deteriorate at a shocking rate. They turn down offers made by the company to relocate and try to reclaim their small town, God fearing, stars and stripes loving existence like any good American would.

Meanwhile down on his luck wounded puppy/former resident Stephen Colbert returns unemployed to bury his recently passed parents and is forced to take an equally insulting offer from Zimmerman-Madoff on his newly inherited property rendering him and his beautiful children homeless.He is forced to move in with the son of a deceased high school girlfriend Luke Whistler. 

Leo has run out of options and is forced to turn to the dark side and takes a job with Zimmerman-Madoff. A few really cute white kids develop debilitating diseases and some die horrible deaths from the toxicity. Honey Boo Boo is immune to all contaminants

Morgan Freeman inexplicably shows up as an anti-fracking, gets sick, and narrates his funeral in 4th person.

Luke dies, but in true Spielberg form every character has the best possible ending for every character. Stephen Colbert finds out he is Luke's father as he sits next to his death bed, gets multi million dollar insurance policy and buys his parents home back. The locals get enough traction to slow the profits of Zimmerman-Madoff Industries to bankrupcy with the help Hank Reporter and Donald the Photographer.

The staff of Zimmerman-Madoff Industries commits murder-suicide, every disease gets cured really quick, then Mike Vick is attacked by a blood thirsty pack of pit bulls, the ecosystem fixes itself, Lance Armstrong's bike shop goes out of business, Meryl Streep finally gets pregnant, Honey Boo Boo gets run over by a bus, and Madea wrecks a gas truck into a rusty nail factory built out of dynamite containing every known copy of every Madea movie ever made.  

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More