This week’s tweets have really got the whole dating thing figured out.
Play so hard to get u both fall in love w other people and eventually become casual acquaintances who only see each other at holiday parties— Sam Escobar (@myhairisblue) January 18, 2017
GIRLFRIEND: Do you want to move in together?— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) January 18, 2017
ME: That is a decision best left to the states.
From what I've been told about dating, they're going to find that plane now that they've stopped looking for it.— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) January 17, 2017
As a kid I remember the modem would scream when you got online but now i have to do that myself— Stephen Buckley (@stephen_withav) January 14, 2017
the new healthcare plan is everybody gets 50 tylenol at birth. those are your tylenol. use them whenever or however you want.— chris (@BassoonJokes) January 13, 2017
ME: *tells joke*— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) January 17, 2017
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If you ever catch yourself talking about a credit card you're probably in a commercial so do what you want, kill a guy, whatever— Abe M. Bee (@dubiousrhetoric) January 15, 2017
me: i always answer on the 3rd ring, makes me seem cooler— Captain Kalvis (@captainkalvis) December 20, 2016
*the other inmates frown as my wife tears up from the other side of the glass*
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) January 14, 2017
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
is oral sex where you just talk about it— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) January 18, 2017
A "reverse mortgage" sounds like a really fiscally responsible sex position.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 18, 2017
I will honk a boob. But I will also punch a boob. Mostly I don't know what to do with boobs. pic.twitter.com/cFjVk1POIy— Amy X (@MsFoxIfUrNasty) January 12, 2017
Instagram banned me for life cuz I kept commenting “but are you happy?” on everyone’s pictures.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 14, 2017
Trump has two settings:— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 11, 2017
1) A student giving a presentation without doing the readings
2) An angry customer who wants to talk to your manager
Men: the state shouldn't subsidize birth control— eve peyser (@evepeyser) January 13, 2017
Also men: abortion should be illegal
ALSO men: Wanna fuck?
if you're not angry, you're not paying attention and I was wondering if you have any seminars I could sign up for on how to do that too— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 18, 2017
Office sitcom characters always stress about "reports" & "presentations" bc most comedy writers have never held an actual job— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 18, 2017
FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE— Allison Mick (@allison_mick) January 19, 2017
My peanut butter jar was like "best before Nov 2016" and it's like weren't we all?— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 18, 2017
Realtor: Why r u moving?— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) January 16, 2017
Me: I've been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won't let me open my silverware drawer.
Just logged on to https://t.co/IcrIIdwksM and found out I'm half asleep on my mom's side.— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) January 14, 2017
This is not my cup of tea— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) January 17, 2017
has anyone seen my cup of tea
Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 12, 2017
Me for real: YOU'RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT
The Boy Is Mine is a much more enjoyable song if you pretend it's about two women at a shelter trying to adopt the same dog.— Mary Numair (@MaryNumair) December 5, 2016
Never underestimate your ability to doubt yourself— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 17, 2017
burritos combine my two favorite things: holding food and eating a tube— Jhon (@JhonRules) January 18, 2017
"tell me how it's gonna be, barack"— Avery Monsen (@averymonsen) January 13, 2017
"we're gonna get a little place. we'll have a cow, some chickens"
"i get to tend the rabbits?"