Trump Loses Head: Found Later In Putin’s Ass
Dear President Putin,
Thank you for your support (wink wink). Please ignore all these insults from American liberals. They are sore losers, very weak. Not “real men” like us. I have penned an awesome letter to the American people (enclosed) and I wanted to get your excellent opinion. I tried to get Twitter to give me a length extension on words, so I could Tweet this, but they declined me. Can you please get them hacked…but don’t let it interfere with my amazing Tweets. Anyway, please like it and please like me. Melania can’t wait to meet you and Eric wants one of those cool Russian fury hats.
Your awesome magnificent American friend: President Donald Trump
Dear American People of The United States of America,
Look…I won the election. That’s the bottom line, so get over it. I was the only man in the race, so that confirms, I am the “better man”. And we all know I’m a real man. Don’t listen to those left wing lies of my fascism and small genitalia. Hands are NOT an indicator! I read that in one of Ivanka’s Vanity Fair magazines, a long time ago. Ask Melania, she’ll back me up….very intelligent foreign woman with verified 20/20 vision. I wish she would have been my first wife. But then again, that would have made us about the same age at our wedding…and we know those marriages never work for VIP’s such as myself.
Look, I’m not one of those liberal pussies who worries about “human rights” for terrorists or complicated issues like clean air and water. Environmentalists, what can I say…very low energy…they just sit out in fields all day collecting rocks, praying to their hippy sun gods and smoking the reefer. Then they get all “science-ee” when I cut down trees and put up buildings, saying I’m a monster, destroying the planet.
Don’t get me wrong. I love wood. There is certainly nothing like a good piece of wood that is, ah… “craftuated” into a piece of fine art. I am certainly one to understand the elegance of fine art but embracing “jigaboo-voodoo-science” is not something we want to fool around with. Very dangerous concept. I mean, do we really think children will understand science, when their brains are so small and mushy?
Doctor Ben Carson tells me that would be medically unadvised. I know he’s kinda creepy but he usually gets the doctor stuff right. I told him he can run HUD…well….for obvious reasons. I don’t know what H.U.D. stands for, but Pence told me it was a “black thing” and Carson is black, so…DUH! He was hesitant at first but I told him, “Benji" I call him Benji because he reminds me of a sad, confused, sleepy little puppy…“Benji…it’s not rocket science…or brain surgery!” He laughed at my joke but seemed annoyed. Oh well, I’m not going to be talking to him much anyway if he’s mainly dealing with “the black problem”. I’m sure he will do a great job with all his connections in the hoods and ghetto’s.
Sorry about the limited number of minority candidates but Jeff Sessions, my new Attorney General, said he would, “prefer”, if there were no more than one black and one woman in the cabinet and it certainly can’t be a black woman, he said. He’s kind of the grumpy grandpa of the group and hey, …Alabama!!…right…so we cut him some slack. He’s got a great legal mind and hates cannabis smoking degenerates, so we let the little bits of racism slide. I just have to make sure Steve Bannon hides his stash well and brushes his teeth more than once a month and we’ll be fine.
I know I’m right about all this because Mike Pence backed up Dr. Carson and confirmed that he was fairly certain Pat Robertson once said that, “voodoo-jigaboo-science” is Satanic in nature and goes against all the teachings of another highly successful white man and my personal hero, Jesus Christ. Well that’s good enough for me and America if it comes from the responsible, patriotic, Christian voice of Vice President Mike Pence.
God loves me best. That is obvious, despite having only read a few “Bibliotic” chapters by myself. Mostly after my little bout with depression in the eighties, when I thought Pop might have left me out of the will. Look…I’m no Jimmy Graham when it comes to God-Speak, but I learned one thing from Ted Cruz.
“God will always know more than you Donald,” Ted once told me.
And I took that to heart…anyway…what was I talking about?…ah…oh yes…Me.
Math. Math never lies and I know the math. When I was at Wharton business school, they called me, Trump the Lump. I know it sounds bad but it’s not! I always had a wad in my pants. I used to sit in the library at school, mostly day dreaming about touching women inappropriately but also, adding up all the loot my old man was gonna leave me when he kicked off. Anyway…I’m good at math, trust me, it’s wonderful…I am literally the best “mathmetist” in the business world.
Steve Bannon tells me I got 600 million votes. I said, “Great Steve! That’s more than the population of the whole world! I’M HUGE! I’m bigger than huge, I am Super Donald Huge!…like my massive sexual organ.
Then Steve said sorry and told me it was 60 million, not 600 million. Well I admit. I was disappointed, but hell, that’s about 30 million more than I counted on…so if you add that 30 to my 60, that’s….90 million, compared to Hillary’s paltry 63 million. That means I beat her by 27 million! Huge win. All verified now. 100 percent correct. Double checked by Eric and Donald Jr. and you know how trustworthy my kids are. If anyone challenges those numbers, it was rigged and I will sue…later, after my damages are verified. But I tell ya, it will be a huge lawsuit and I will take millions because I’m a winner, unlike crooked Hillary…whom I smashed in my epic landslide victory over socialism.
I have to admit. I do like the lawsuit game. Only in America! I just wish I could change one little thing about our legal system, that would truly, Make America Great Again. Let’s end the blatant discrimination against billionaires and millionaires. I want ALL people of high coinage to share the bounty of the American court system. It is our patriotic duty to take advantage of the unimaginative slackers, who keep our country down, while they suck the government nipple, devoid of any motivation to seek their own destiny. Like Pence always says, "It’s for their own good.”
But, I don’t want to be the only big shot celebrity raking in money from lawsuits against underfunded, unrepresented commoners. It makes me look arrogant and I am certainly not that. Just check my publicly available Tax Records, to see how much I give to charity. OK, strike that last sentence.
Just remember. I LOVE AMERICA !!!…well, ok…not enough to help pay to run it, but in a way that is more honorable. Sure, I don’t pay any tax…but I’m a LEADER…a valuable asset worth much more than my fair share of taxes. My friend Mr. Putin, says a leader is worth twice his weight in Gold. Making me worth about 600 lbs. of gold. Way more than the amount I should have paid in taxes.
Speaking of President Putin. It is true that he wants Alaska back but he would prefer it comes without Sarah Palin. I told him he can have it. It’s just a frozen wasteland full of lumberjacks and beaver hunters anyway. Who needs it. Eric says we can get our seal meat from Canada from now on. Plus I owe Putin a favor for helping me win.
In closing, I would like to thank my fans and followers. I did not think you would believe all that stuff I said, but you did! America is fabulous! I love the uneducated! I sincerely promise you, that I will most definitely do some of the things that I said I would do. I will strive to be the best President that America has ever purchased. God Bless America for realizing my awesome leadership skills…and don’t watch Saturday Night Live. It’s just liberal trash…and not funny…not at all…especially the parts about me.
President of the United States of America