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October 12, 2015
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Christopher Columbus would have wanted you to celebrate like this!

Happy Columbus Day, guys! Hopefully you all are celebrating the man who showed up to America, decided he wanted to stay, ignored all the people chillin here already, and said the whole place was his idea. It’s hard to call Columbus great, but you can’t deny the dude was bold as hell.

Here are a few ways to properly seize the day!

  • Wake up, stretch, boot your roommate out of the shower and enjoy a nice morning cleanse. Feel free to complain the water temperature they set wasn’t exactly how you like it.
  • Stop by Starbucks. Don’t order. When they call someone else’s name who ordered a tasty drink, swipe it and peace out. Bye, bitches.
  • On the train or bus, swoop into an empty seat right before a pregnant lady or elderly person can sit there. Explain that you don’t understand the sign indicating the seat is reserved for them, therefore it is ineffective.
  • Go to the closest body of water. Ask your local government for a shit ton of money and then just get mad lost in a fancy boat on their dime.
  • Discover your boss’ nice corner office! Whoa, what a view! Move in your picture frames and desk trinkets. When they come in, let them know everything is okay and you’ve cleaned out the utility closet for them to work out of. That should be enough, right?
  • At the company meeting, if someone presents a good idea, cut them off halfway, say their exact idea louder but with more confidence. Next step? Collect praise and congratulations from everyone. Bingo, buster!
  • Declare people your slaves! Go crazy on this one!
  • Tell everyone you’re headed to Chipotle for lunch. When you accidentally get lost and end up at Panera Bread, deny that you were every planning on heading to Chipotle. Chipotle isn’t even that great, remember that. You always intended to make it to Panera Bread. Also, you have decided that you are now manager of that Panera Bread.
  • Carry a few flags and just put them down wherever you want. That place is yours now. Make sure everyone recognizes and obeys your claim. If they don’t understand your illogical reasoning, declare that they are simple and therefore their opinions do not matter.
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