PONTE VERDA BEACH, Fla. - Tiger Woods has left The Players Championship early, due to pain in his knees.....and hitting a dismal 42 on the front nine. When asked why he was leaving early Tiger said, " I am having a hard time walking, and all I can think about is all those bitches I can't fuck anymore." This may not come as a suprise to most of us considering everyone has been waiting for "Tiger's Big Return" since it was found out last year that he was cheating on his wife with a bunch of money hungry skanks.
Later in the locker room at TPC Sawgrass Tiger admitted, "Seriously, think about how hard it is to play at the level I once was at, when you know all those people are staring at you imagining you naked, and having cheating-on-your-wife sex with all those whores. It is truly distracting." Tiger has yet to win a major since the truth of his infidelity came out early last year. It seems Tiger tried to make that apology and get back to "business as usual", but it just hasn't happend yet. Tiger commented on that by saying, " Look, I should have never got married. I mean look at me, I am a billionaire, good looking, globe trotting superstar. I could get any bitch I want. I bet I could get you in the sack, and you're a dude!"
It also could be assumed that Tiger left the tournament early because of his embarrassing display of golf, much like Jay Cutler did in the NFC Championship game against the Packers. Tiger said, "Look, I know what this looks like. It looks like I am pulling a "Cutler". The difference is my injury is real and was caused by pounding whores doggystyle on hotel room floors, and Cutler was just a pussy ass bitch who can't take losing."
What it all comes down to is that Tiger needs to regain his focus, and by focus I mean he needs to get back to banging as many women as he can in the next week to get back to his playing level of pre-found-out-he-was-cheating-on-his-wife. Tiger confirmed this by stating, "Yes, I know what I need to do. I need to get back to the bedroom and practice what is really hurting me right now, my swinging."