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August 06, 2010

John Tesh answers some fan mail.

Dear John Tesh, 

A couple weeks ago I found out my husband of almost ten years has been cheating on me. I didn't know what to do. I thought we were so happy. We have a beautiful family with eight children. We are both successful. Is it something I did? 

K. Gosselin, 
Wernersville, Pennsylvania 

Dear Kate, 

Yeah, that's right, I said Kate. Like anybody wouldn't know who the fuck wrote that letter. Look I've seen your show. I've have seen the fuck out of your goddamn show. My sometimes gay lover, Lexington, loves that show and he likes to watch it after he, myself, and my wife Connie, have a 3-way. It's like he's hinting that he wants to adopt kids or something. Not gonna happen. I've already got one kid and she's a pain in the ass. The other day Connie was watching your show "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and looked over at me and gave me that look, and before she could even say it I said, "Bitch, I will slap the hell out of you." 

I just don't get the multiple kids thing, honestly. I mean, a few years ago when I got on a hooker binge, I insisted on ejaculating inside them, and even though I could have just walked away and never seen them again, I did the gentlemen thing and followed through with the abortions. I even went with them. I was curious. I decided that just sitting in the waiting room, in uncomfortable silence with the other suckers, was boring so I slipped some Franklins the doctor's way and went in the back with Rita, my hooker, and watched the procedure. I was blown away. It was amazing. I wanted to know all about this abortion business. And so he taught me. My hooker kick turned into an abortion kick. I started knocking prostitutes up like it was going out of style. 

Eventually, just watching wasn't good enough. I broke out my checkbook and the doctor let me take the wheel. It was absulutely exhilarating. I've never felt so alive. It was on par with my first concert or the first time I did crank with Corey Feldman. There's nothing quite like it. I would describe it but you just have to do it to understand. It's an artform. I don't care what anybody says. It takes finesse. So this went on for some time. I started renting the clinic for a few hours every weekend and I would have my band set up and we would play and then between sets I would perform an abortion on stage for a small group of my fanclub members. 

But anyway. About your bullshit. Jon is cheating on you because you're annoying as fuck. You're goddamn voice is like Agent Smith meets Dr. Evil. I mean how fucking white are you? And maybe you shouldn't analyze everything Jon says or correct his grammar. Also, you've had eight kids. EIGHT! I can't possibly imagine what your vagina looks like. Actually I can. Because I met a woman backstage once who had like ten kids or someting. And I'm hung like a horse and I still couldn't feel anything. There was no pleasing that woman, and I'd imagine you're the same, though I would be willing to try because you're a milf. 

So my advice is if you want to keep him around, either start sucking his cock or let him put it in your ass. And don't talk so much. But more importantly. If you by any chance get preggers again, which I doubt since you used artificial insemination, you should stop by the new chain of women centers I'm opening soon all over the United States. I haven't decided on a name yet. I'm leaning towards Tesh's Place and it would have a big red neon sign like in Roadhouse. They're gonna have live music and also a dining area to make the whole experience much more relaxed. I want people to want to have to get an abortion because A, the food there is so delicious and B, for the overall atmosphere. Also, The first twenty patients get a coupon for bye-one-get-one-free abortion. Come on down, y'all. Check it out. 

Peace out, 
Dr. John Tesh