I’m on a Comet! (featuring T-Pain)
The Rosetta mission is a success! The Philae probe successfully touched down on the surface of a comet. The probe will now douse the comet in shiny oil and take a photo of it for an upcoming Paper magazine cover.
Police officers in Fort Lee, New Jersey used a cop dressed in a Donald Duck costume to write “fail to yield” tickets to passing motorists. Though some have criticized the police department’s tactic, it still worked out better than their recent blackmarket arms dealer sting operation that left one Mickey and one Goofy dead.
Too Big to Go to Jail
Five major banks, including CitiBank and JPMorgan Chase, were found guilty of illegally coordinating currency trades with Swiss bank UBS in order to manipulate the foreign exchange market to their advantage, and will face a fine of $4.3 billion, or, as the big banks call it, “Tuesday’s Chipotle money.”
Putin Tanks in the Ukraine
Russian combat troops, tanks, heavy artillery, and air defense systems have entered the Ukraine, sparking the United Nations to convene for an emergency session today to address the escalating crisis. The U.N. is expected to reconsider their previous resolution to “let this conflict just keep simmering in the background for a year.”
If it’s not Broke
Kim Kardashian showed her butt on the cover of Paper magazine, with the caption “Break The Internet.” In response, the Internet said, “Not sure why you thought this would break me since this is literally what I was created for.”