Cat Got Your Tongue

- I thought about naming this piece Regarding Tiger Woods Cheating on his wife Elin Woods with former porn star Joslyn James, New York City club hostess Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubbs (Tool Academy contestant; cocktail waitress), Kalika Moquin, Jamie Jungers (Las Vegas lingerie model), Mindy Lawton, Cori Rist, Holly Sampson (another former porn star who says she first had sex with Tiger at his bachelor party), Loredana Jolie (Playboy model), Julie Postle and Theresa Rogers so that I would get a bunch of Google hits, but ultimately my artistic integrity prevailed and I decided to name it “Cat Got Your Tongue” instead. -

I know what you’re all thinking. Is he going to tell a Tiger joke? The answer is yes. I am going to tell a Tiger joke but I guarantee you it’s not one you’ve heard before. In my version, he’s getting a blow job from an aardvark, not a baby hippopotamus. Oh, I’m sorry. I got it turned around. Mine is the one with the baby hippopotamus. All right, I lied. I don’t really have a Tiger joke. I’m sorry. I hope you aren’t too disappointed.

Anyway, back to the important stuff: a famous person cheating on his wife. I know we’re involved in two official wars, an unofficial war in Pakistan and probably a few others that we don’t know about, the economy is hanging off a cliff by its nipples and the same incompetent assholes who ruined the economy to begin with are still in charge and getting bonuses, rising sea levels are irretrievably pushing us into a new ice age, 1 in 5 children in this country is malnourished, Conan O’Brien got screwed out of the Tonight Show job and the air we breathe and the water we drink are poisoned with toxins, but do we want to talk about any of that? No. Let’s talk about what Tiger did with his penis.

I wonder what he’s doing with it right now. Maybe he’s urinating out of it. That sure would be interesting, wouldn’t it? Certainly worthy of 24-hour worldwide news coverage.

And do you know who’s at least in part to blame? Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien*, the holy trinity of Late Night. Late Night comedy: one of the most important determiners of “water cooler” conversation in the United States. They dictate the national consciousness about public embarrassments in the same way that Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart shape so many Americans’ political views. They decide when it’s ok to laugh at something (except when they are compelled by their corporate masters to apologize for saying something they had every right to say; in those instances, the people who demand apologies from them decide when it’s ok to laugh at something). They also decide what’s funny. If Jay Leno makes a crack at your expense then God damn it, you had it coming.

I understand there’s a certain irony in me talking about what it is I’m complaining that people shouldn’t be talking about. I’m nothing if not a complete hypocrite. But what I find interesting about this is not what Tiger did. Is he a piece of shit for fucking around on his wife? Of course. Do I care? No. I really couldn’t care less, although I did recently and reluctantly search for and watch online a double penetration scene starring Joslyn James, the former porn star who claims Tiger unknowingly knocked her up twice, the first time resulting in a miscarriage and the second in an abortion. I stress reluctantly, although there was a really sweet double money shot at the end.

I’m getting off track. So here’s what I find way more interesting than what Tiger did with his penis (and, statistically, this is a near-miracle): at any given time, there are about 175 players on the PGA tour and the PGA was founded in 1916. So, since 1916, we’re talking about thousands of golfers. After 97 years, Tiger was finally the first professional golfer to cheat on his wife. That is simply amazing, isn’t it? Uncanny. What a stand up group of guys those professional golfers are.

Luckily for us the American public, our news outlets have been on top of this historic revelation from the beginning, so that we didn’t miss a second of voyeuristic deliciousness. Surely if any other professional golfer was caught cheating, there would be a virtual SWAT team of media vans converging on his house within seconds, right? Call me crazy, but something makes me think that if long-time, successful PGA Tour Professional Hal Sutton cheated on his wife 800 times you still wouldn’t know who he is.

Don’t mistake me. I know the justification for this being a big “story.” The argument is simple: Tiger makes many millions of dollars by being a public figure and capitalizing on his perceived positive image. Therefore, his actions are fair game because they contradict that highly groomed, highly profitable image. Fine. It’s fair game. But so what? Does that mean we are required to talk about it? Are we obligated to discuss every alleged detail of his sex life? Are we morally compelled to spend months squawking like hens, salivating at the mouth for a chance to taste more dirt?

No. It’s not news, it’s not interesting, it’s not funny and it’s absofuckinlutely not important. So why the hell is everyone** talking about it? Because people never stop looking for famous people to laugh at, which gets us back to Late Night. I can think of no better short description of Late Night comedy, especially the monologues, than “laughing at people who have more money / power than you.” Of course, the urge to loathe and mock rich, powerful people is natural. Personally, I’m not rich and I am quite fond of hating rich, powerful people. I do it all the time. I hate all sorts of people in fact. I hate neo-conservatives, Reaganites, Bush Republicans, Republicans, most Democrats, hippies, religious literalists, Parrotheads, teetotalers, anyone who likes wearing ties, people who are naturally better than me at things I like to do and everyone who has more money than me.***

But, in spite of all of the hate that I carry around with me every waking and sleeping moment of my life, I never feel compelled to make fun of famous people so that I can feel a little better about my pathetic existence. Kudos to me? Of course not. After all, I am a hateful person. But what I’m not is some douche bag with nothing better to do than send jokey emails to everyone in my address book containing latently racist punch lines about Tiger fucking a bunch of white women (brought to you by the same people who “just don’t like” Tiger for no apparent reason and always downplay his amazing achievements in golf).

Finally, I’d like to address the Maude Flanders / “Will somebody think of the children?” crowd. You know who you are. Your child is wonderful and full of promise and spends his/her life worshipping athletes, including the great Tiger Woods. Therefore, Tiger “owes better” to your child and all other children similarly situated. Wow this shit pisses me off. You know what Tiger owes your kids? What he already gave them: love for a great game.**** If your kids are too stupid to understand that a great athlete is capable of making mistakes and that those mistakes have nothing to do with the way he plays the game, then maybe they’re as dumb as their parents.

* I like Conan a lot but this is fair criticism and, in any event, I doubt very much that he needs my validation at this point in his career.
** And yes, when I say everyone, I mean everyone, from Keith Olberman to Rush Limbaugh.
*** This is by no means an exhaustive list.
**** If you’re in the Henry Rollins / misanthrope / hyper-educated / too cool for school / I hate golf crowd, please don’t feel alienated by this last remark. I like music and books too and you just don’t understand golf.