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Published May 31, 2012

 

How to Make the Scripps National Spelling Bee More Exciting

I may have watched five minutes of the Scripps National Spelling Bee five years ago. I don’t really remember; I was probably too busy flipping through the TV guide looking for something else to watch.  The only people who can possibly get excited about spelling bees are the parents of the children entered into the bee. Parents are insane. You couldn’t tell a parent that their 5’9, 122 pound JV linebacker child isn’t Ray Lewis and you couldn’t tell any of these spelling bee parents that their child isn’t Jesus Christ—or at the very least Albert Einstein. Even the children hate being in spelling bees. I’m sure they’d rather be doing something else like swimming, going to a movie with friends, or trafficking Columbian Bam Bam across the Mexican border.  

My major problem with the spelling bee is that it is boring to watch. Yes, I’ve never really watched it, but I JUST KNOW, OKAY!  Yeah, some people may enjoy watching the drama of a 10 year old socially awkward man-child (or is it child-man?) barely spell a word correctly. That doesn’t excite me. And it probably doesn’t excite you. It might be because of my very feeble mind, but I just can’t get excited about children spelling. I really can’t get excited about children doing anything—mostly because children suck at everything they do—except making cute YouTube videos, those can be okay. I guess they can spell too.

The National Spelling Bee also depresses me because I know those small children are already WAY more intelligent than I am and already have received more television time than I ever will. I don’t really want to write about coming to terms with those feelings though. Too depressing

My main complaint I’m sticking too is that the spelling bee is boring. Here’s how to make it more exciting.

1)  Children Who Misspell Words Get Tackled By an Actual NFL Linebacker

Since the spelling bee is actually shown on ESPN, I feel like it is appropriate to add a real sport into the mix. Could you imagine the drama at the exact moment that the child knows that he or she wouldn’t be able to spell the word? The parents would be crying. The child would be crying. God, it would be great. The bone crushing hit that the linebacker lays upon the small, defenseless child would be the cherry on top. That’s just great television.

2) Strippers

Everyone knows that the Scripps National Spelling Bee could use a little bit more sex appeal. I don’t think it would hurt anyone to have a few classy strippers dancing besides the children as they are trying to spell. I’m not saying there needs to be nakedness because that’s inappropriate, but some scantily-clad gyration is never a bad thing. Wouldn’t it be awesome to see a socially awkward 12 year old try to contain a boner while trying to spell a nearly impossible word to spell? THAT’S REAL SKILL. Also, the looks of judgment that would come from amore precocious girl speller would also be a priceless moment.

3) Pyrotechnics

Every time a child spells a word correctly, I think it would be an excellent idea to have a small pyrotechnic show in the child’s honor. Not only would the pyrotechnic show be visually appealing to the audience, but I think the strippers would also appreciate it.

4) Dissuade Children from Asking Questions

One of the most infuriating parts about watching spelling bees is all the questions the children ask.

What country of origin does this word originate from?

What’s the original pronunciation?

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

If a child has to ask a question, every child that remains in the completion should get to punch the question asker. Not only will this prevent delays from occurring in the spelling bee, it will also lead to the children progressively getting angrier through the spelling competition. A massive brawl involving child geniuses could possibly be the most entertaining event in the history of television.

When will society advance to the point where we can stop having spelling bees and start televising a real life version of The Hunger Games?

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