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October 19, 2015

Carl finally stayed in the house! Nine of the most ridiculous things from S06E02 "JSS" of 'The Walking Dead.'

1) Surely There’s A Better Way To Eat A Turtle

Desperate zombie times call for desperate turtle measures, but are you really going to crack open that little guy like it’s a god damn king crab leg at a Vegas buffet? Surely there’s a tastier option that won’t result in you contracting any number of turtle-borne illnesses. Plus you’re making a super icky mess! And stop playing with your food! Didn’t your parents teach you any manners before they got eaten right in front of you?

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JSS. What does it mean?!? Who cares?!? Not me! I don’t care about her shitty gang tag. It’s not a gang if it’s just one of you. Stop trying to make JSS happen, it’s not going to happen.

2) Worst Episode Of ‘Chopped’ Ever

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Today’s mystery basket includes celery and paprika! You have 45 minutes on the clock to make a zombie entrée. GO! I love how inept these people in Alexandria are at surviving. People are straight up eating other people outside and these jabronis are refusing to eat celery. And they’re talking kitchen smack!

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“I’m going to be a callous bitch to the craziest lady here and see how that turns out.”

They have enough spare time and emotional breathing room to talk smack about their meal options. JABRONIS. Oh well! At least they’re totally safe inside of these walls and nothing bad will ever happen.

3) Doogie Downer, M.D.

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Not sure how they decided she’s the town medic. After hearing this lady talk for one second, I would not trust her to walk my enemy’s dog let alone perform dangerous surgery. Hey, remember when they had a pretend doctor on Fear The Walking Dead? It’s fun how they’re doing the same thing on two different shows.What a fun thing! Except it’s not fun at all. Please do different things on these shows!

4) Carl Needs A Haircut

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Tough break, Carl! Your dad murdered the husband of the only lady in town who gives haircuts. Now you’re stuck with that bullshit on your head. It looks like a helmet, Carl! A really dumb helmet made of hair. You think that moody girl is ever going to let you lose your finger virginity in the woods with a cut like that? You’re dreaming. You’d be better off wearing that stupid hat.

5) Carol Was A Little Too Stoked To Murder This Lady

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Carol, I know this lady talked some kitchen smack (classic Chopped move that almost never pays off, I also watch a lot of Chopped) but it kinda seemed like you enjoyed shoving a knife into her brain a little too much.

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Smoking kills, but not nearly as fast as Carol in a sweater.

You got blood on your nice sweater, Carol! Sweater was one of my favorite characters! Hopefully the writers introduce a new sweater this season. The sweater suspense is killing me, it’s literally all I’ve been able to think about. I only got seven minutes of sleep last night tossing and turning thinking about the fate of Carol’s sweater collection.

EDIT: A lot of you are pointing out that the brain stab lady is a different lady than the smack talk/smoking lady. You’re right! Whoops! Hope you guys can still accept me despite my flaws and shortcomings. I am a work in progress just doing my best here on this spinning rock in outer space!

6) Zero to 100, Real Quick

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Holy shit, Carol really did not waste time going full wolf. You’re scaring us, Carol! That outfit is the furthest thing imaginable from a sweater! Also, I can’t think of anything more dangerous than dressing up like the enemy at a time like this. Let’s do some quick calculations. Everyone on your team is actively trying to kill people who now look exactly like you. Genius! Genius way to accidentally get shot in the face. Or a genius way to get Morgan to accidentally tie you up and have a heart to heart about protein bars.

7) Scissor Sister

This was great. Loved it. More stabbing people in the chest with scissors, please! Also, gross. Those are the haircut scissors! Do you disclose this info next time you give someone a haircut? “Look, FYI, I plunged these scissors deep into the heart of someone trying to kill me and my family. So, a little off the top?” Like most unsettling realities, I think I would rather stay in the dark. Just give me the “anything but what Carl has ” and I’ll be on my way, thank you.

8) Why Didn’t Morgan Kill Everybody?

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Morgan should’ve killed all of these people in his circle of stick whooping. Instead, he gave a morgavational speech about all the great supplies they have and let them leave with a gun. Morgan! I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT SERIES OF DECISIONS WILL COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ZOMBIE ASS. There’s a thing called “Chekhov’s gun” that I learned about during my completely useless time getting a media studies degree in college. It can be a figurative gun, but in this case it’s just an actual gun. Subtle! Also, why isn’t Morgan killing everyone all the time? Is he Batman? What kind of stupid code does he have? Visualize that these people stole your last protein bar! They’re gutting and dismembering your neighbors in the street, think the time when you guys could’ve all started a book club together has passed.

9) Zombie Bake Oven

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Thank fucking GOD that Carl was around when the oven timer went off! Otherwise Carol might’ve burnt her disgusting scraps casserole. You finally stayed in the house, Carl! Truly a moment six seasons in the making. Plus we got to find out what JSS stood for 40 minutes after we all forgot JSS was a thing they were trying to get us to care about.

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Wow. You know that thing annoying girls do where they post pictures with vague text on social media? She’s doing it in REAL. FUCKING. LIFE! Pinterest IRL, you guys! What a time to be a zombie. Real talk, I like that they used the timer to establish how long this all took. It was a good choice in what was overall a really awesome episode filled with lots of great stuff. Hey, you guys know I like this show, right? I really do! You can like something and also goof on it. So please stop telling me to kill myself in the Facebook comments because you think I don’t like this show, I read all of the comments and, again, I do like this show! Join us next week! Will Carol have a new sweater? Will Carl EVER lose his finger virginity? Will Rick somehow add more bandages to the bandage farm he’s growing on his face? The answer to all of these questions and more on S06E03 of The Walking Dead!